True Friendship

Big news this week. Connor got dumped.

As a seasoned dumpee, I feel it’s my duty to make him feel better about the whole thing. And I will. Through this entry. You’re welcome, Connor.

First, let’s do a re-cap for anyone who doesn’t know the details. Connor, please correct if I’m wrong.

Who: Connor
What: Got dumped.
Where: Over Facebook IM. (Can you believe it?! I didn’t even know people actually used Facebook’s IM capabilities, let alone for such gripping conversation.)
When: Tuesday night
Why: Well, I can’t be sure, but I can speculate through a top ten list.

TOP TEN REASONS CONNOR PROBABLY GOT DUMPED

10. Connor drowns his sorrows in the devil’s liquid. That’s right, Connor drinks too much coffee.

9. Connor is inept with technology. He doesn’t understand how email works.

8. Connor leaves long voicemail messages, eating up precious cellular minutes. Most of the time, the message is incoherent and lacks a call-to-action.

7. Connor is an exceptional knitter. This can be bothersome to women who do not want to wear the scarves he knits for them.

6. Connor hates Lifehouse and Coldplay, which suggests he lacks two ears and a heart.

5. Connor recently started watching the CBS reality show, Big Brother. (snicker)

4. She’s just not that into him. (Add your story to the widget Connor!)

3. Sometimes Connor takes his affinity for robots too far, harassing real robots who have to make a living. Here is video taken from a trip to France, in which Connor tries to prove he is a better robot.

2. Connor is constantly telling David to “get out while he still can.”

And the number one reason Connor probably got dumped…

1. Overall lack of fashion sense.

So Connor, enough speculation, now it’s time for some advice. Right now, you’re asking yourself, “Will the pain ever stop?”

The answer is a clear, resounding, “No.” She was probably the one. You can never do better, and you never will. Your future is fated to eating ice cream and watching Big Brother’s compelling plot unfold. Maybe you’ll pretend you’re in the house too, talking to fellow cast members about how they aren’t doing their dishes as promptly as you had hoped. Who knows?

There are a few things you can do. You can continue to update your blog, as it is your one redeeming quality. Or Connor, you can embrace the church. Finally, you can compose music, inspired by your pain and driven by your loneliness. It worked for Alanis Morisette and Avril Lavigne, so it should work for you too.

There are few things I can do too. In addition to this thoughtful entry, I will send you a mix CD, comprised entirely of James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat 18 times. The CD will be titled, “Don’t Jump, Connor.” It will soothe your heart – the pieces that remain anyway – and console your mind.

Stay strong, friend.