I Am Cool Now – Page 38 – URLs don't change, but people do.

This One's For Leo

Published October 14, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Blog, we are in troubling times. There is a worldwide recession, the Middle East is a wreck, and my boyfriend doesn’t check you. Ever. But don’t worry blog, there’s hope. The market was inching up today, the Middle East might get better, and Leonardo DiCaprio has declared he’s looking to settle down, so Leo, if you’re reading this, you have a chance with this gal here!

I jest. Leo, even if you’re reading this, I’m not interested. (But really, if you are reading this, I am absolutely interested. You were great in The Departed. And Growing Pains, starring Alan Thicke. Show me that smile again, Leo!)

In all seriousness blog, yesterday I realized that my boyfriend _not_ reading this blog was entirely my fault. I haven’t been marketing it to him adequately. Thus, I am launching an ad campaign, blog. I should have done so earlier. In today’s consumer society, I need much more than sass, feisty rhetoric, and guilt to keep ’em coming back for more. I need to brand; I need to market; I need to really sell how important it is that he reads this blog.

It will be a three pronged attack. First, I will use advertisements. See here. These ads will appear online to him.

Second, I will appeal to emotion through literary references. Here’s what I’ll say, “Do you remember that book you read, the History of Love? Do you remember that part where the young character writes his first story? Then he runs to the girl he loves and asks her to read it. And then, then he says that he waits. He waits for the only person whose opinion matters to read it to tell him what she thinks.” I’ll pause thoughtfully and then ask, “Now do you see why I want you to read my blog?”

He’ll respond, “Yes, I remember that part. Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it meant so much to you. I didn’t know my opinion matters so much to you.” Then he will gaze at me, just as thoughtfully as I am gazing at him, and he will say, “Maybe, maybe you should be a little more self confident.”

I’ll feign outrage. “THAT IS SO INSENSITIVE!”

He will roll his eyes.

I will roll my eyes.

We will laugh. I will move on to prong three.

Prong three is a group effort. I’ll have mutual friends bring it up in conversation. “Hey man, I hear you’re not reading the blog, is everything okay?” “Hey man, what’s this about not reading the blog? What’s up with that?” “Dude, did you see those awesome ads? How could you not read the blog?”

The questions will eventually degenerate from being just being annoying to becoming downright intellectually offensive. “Hey man, I heard you don’t know how to read. Is that true?” “Are you having trouble using the internet? Do you not know how bookmarks work?” When it gets to this point, I am confident he will read you, blog. I WILL HAVE MY WAY!

Bye for now blog! (Bye Leo;)

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Introspection

Published September 29, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Shana tova, blog! When the sun sets today, it will be Rosh Hashanah, and I will begin to engage in intense introspection, not because I’m Jewish, but because I welcome any excuse to engage in intense introspection.

I will hear the sounding of the shofar! I will eat a festive meal! I will probably not spend all day in prayer, because I’m not actually Jewish. Blog, I just like to pick and choose which parts of different religions I like best. One religion I believe I should be more involved in is Hinduism. I read,

“It has been said that Hindus have a holiday for every day of the year, but even that may be an understatement! Exactly how many Hindu festivals are celebrated is not known, but one scholar of Hinduism has listed more than a thousand different Hindu festivals.”

More than a thousand, blog! Christianity has it all wrong.

In other news, blog, it’s Monday, and that means it’s a new week in which things can go terrifically right! There’s so much potential for wonderful things to happen this week!

And now for a little dose of my usual shenanigans. I was showing a gentleman from my office how to get to a building. I pointed in the distance and asked, “Do you see the Chipotle over there?” But I said it in a non-question tone, so that it sounded rhetorical. So it sounded more like I was saying, “You see the Chipotle over there, right? That will be the frame of reference.”

And the gentleman nodded, “Yes.”

And I replied, “Really, you see it? I don’t really see it.” And my implied tone there was, “LIAR! Ha! You are a liar, and I have caught you in your web of lies. You don’t see the Chipotle! No one does! It is hidden by trees!”

He said, admittedly, “Well, no I don’t really see the Chipotle.” And then he paused and said, “Oh wait, yes I do! Behind those trees!”

I said, “Yes! Great!” What I meant by this was, “You see, honesty has made this little encounter more productive.” Then, after the “Great!” I said, “So over to the left, that giant visible building, that’s the building you want to go to.”

He confirmed what I had suspected all along. Sometimes, people say they see or understand something, but that is not always necessarily the case. It’s good to take a step back and make sure you are on the same page. Blog, I’m just a wealth of social knowledge.

Now on a more personal note, blog. I totally love the outfit I’m wearing today. I love it so much, I want to wear it tomorrow. Unfortunately that’s not really appropriate.

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Ah-choo!

Published September 16, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Blog blog, how have you been?
Do you have any idea of the mess I’m in?

I’m not really in a mess blog, I just wanted to grab your attention. Did I do it? Have I captivated you with that rhyming question? Or…

Blog blog, do you hate me so
After learning my intro was pretty much faux?

Okay, enough playing around. It’s time to focus blog! Tomorrow is Citizenship Day, and unfortunately I don’t get the day off. I’m a patriot, but my company refuses to pay for me to take a day off to re-read our nation’s constitution. It’s tragic, dear blog. Just think of all the things I could have done! I could have re-read the constitution, I could have watched This is America Charlie Brown: The Birth of the Constitution, I could have reviewed my favorite excepts from the Federalist Papers. Oh blog! Just think of the homage I could have paid to commemorate this nation’s proudest day!

In more unfortunate news, blog, I have a cold. It’s awful. I have to sneeze, and the nose runs, and I feel such fatigue. Also, methinks my forehead is feverish. I’ve been staying hydrated blog, but maybe I need to do more! Having a cold is so disheartening – my fortress is under attack. What was once a paragon of human vitality has been challenged, compromised, and left in a weakened state. Am I being dramatic, blog? Probably, but you didn’t know what it was like to be me sans cold. I was glorious. *sigh*

Ah-choo!

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Definition

Published September 2, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Hi Blog,
I pretty much just injected myself with sugar. We had our office monthly birthday party, which means ice cream cake and icing, and then I had my daily lunch, which is cake! I had two blueberry tarts, two peach tarts, one hazelnut slice, one cappucino mouse tart, and one chocolate mouse tart. This is a little more excessive than usual, but the sugar just kicked in, and I’m super excited! HI BLOG!!!!!

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I went to Paris, France and got me some culture, and I started school too! So far so good blog! I am the most popular girl in my classes and every one loves me. Just kidding blog, I don’t think I’m the most popular, but I told my mom I was, so she would be proud of me. Just kidding blog. I didn’t tell my mom that – that would be weird. Oh, how I kid!

Blog tonight I have to work late because I have to call our Australia peers, and they are 14 hours ahead of us. Tonight!

I can tell you about Paris. It was absolutely wonderful! We saw all the tourist spots, like Le Tour Eiffel, Champs Elysee, Notre Dame, Les Catacombs, Le Louvre, Musee D’Orsay, Seine, and we ate at L’Entrecote and saw Le Lido! It was really a wonderful trip, and I have only fond memories of Paris! I also have pictures, 500 pictures! Sadly, I couldn’t use my French there because everyone spoke English and responded in English. It was most disheartening. Tant pis!

In other news blog, we have a new employee in our office, and he is around my age, which is fun. The other day we were both in the kitchen at the same time, and he got a phone call, and I heard him pick up and say in a hushed voice, “Hi Mom.” That’s all I know about him so far, but I plan to watch him assimilate our office culture. That’s always fun.

Also, dear blog, probably the greatest news of the day is that I’ve re-discovered a digital treasure trove – Backstreet Boys songs! They were sitting on my hard drive! What a treat.

….

Blog, I started writing the first part of the entry last week and didn’t post it. I have a new dilemma blog, one which I would like to confide in you about.

For class, I must pick something that stands for me. So, a symbol, or a thing, that I would call a personal identifier. Such a task requires deep introspection, dear blog, the likes of which I’m not particularly fond of bcause I like to think of myself as indescribable. Just kidding.

What really bothers me is that the first thing I thought about presenting to the class was my imawkward logo, the big eyes on the main page and in the comic, because really, I think about this site a lot. Except, I don’t feel like getting up in front of the class and saying, “I’m awkward.” This is in large part because I’m no longer the awkward, uncomfortable, slightly cartoonish character I was two years ago when I picked up the url. I’m a grown woman now, blog. I have evolved into a mature, thoughtful individual who knows what she wants out of life and is more comfortable in her own presentation. Confident in my choices and rationale, I’m a person I was once concerned I could never be. For example, today in a meeting one of my product requests was denied. The old me would have had an internal dialogue:

They said “No…” Was it me? Was it something I said? I don’t understand.

I made the request in rhyme. It was brief, simple and not out of hand!

I thought for sure they’d say “Yes! We’ll do it right quick”

But instead they said “No, the request makes me terrifically sick!”

It’s an uphill battle, I don’t know if it can even be won,

And getting rejected like this is not really fun.

How will I acheive my ambitions and goals

If I’m constantly being tossed onto rocky shoals?

The new me was not upset about it. I shrugged and thought, “It’s okay. I’ll try again – some other way.”

I know, I know, Old me’s internal dialogue was pretty awesome in comparison.

Anyway, back to my original dilemma. Now that I don’t think my mascot really stands for me, I’m a tad stuck. Also I don’t really want to get up and be like, “I’m awesome and self-assured, so behold, a personal signifier is this Self-help book with a giant red X drawn on it, because I will never need one of these.”

I need something that is positive, genuine, compact, and definitive. I’ll keep you updated blog!

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From that day on, I wuz runnin' 2

Published August 2, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Blog, today I went to the shoe store and bought me some new shoes. Specifically, I bought running shoes. As you know, I am running a 10 mile run soon, and step one for training was to buy running shoes. Step one – check!

In order to ensure that I would be training in the appropriate shoes, I went to a store that has an expert examine a person’s run to see what kind of shoe would be the best fit. The sales person asked me to take off my shoes, and I did. Then he asked me to walk around. I walked around, and he put one knee on the ground and one index finger thoughtfully on his chin to let me know that he was carefully evaluating my stroll. “The inside of your foot rolls” he concluded, when I was done walking. “That means you’ll need more support in the heel area.” I think that’s what he said. I wasn’t really following what he was actually saying because I thought I had an impeccable walk, and to hear that something was rolling incorrectly caught me off guard.

It gets worse, blog.

Then he asked me what size shoe I was. “Seven and a half,” I replied. He looked at me skeptically, so I continued, “Sometimes eight.”

And he said, “Yes, maybe an eight…wide?”

He might as well have slapped me. “What? I mean, I guess my feet are a little wide, but I don’t usually get wide width shoes. These socks I’m wearing don’t do my feet justice, really. As you can see, they’re baggy.”

He went in the back and brought me different wide width shoes, in a size eight and a half. I tried the first pair on, and it was really roomy around the toe area. Then I tried another pair, and learned it cost $135, so I made up an excuse about that one not working for me either. And then I tried on the third pair, and it was okay and cheaper than the other one. I stood there, with the shoes on, and I finally said, “Um, the thing is, I really hate running. After this 10 miler, I never plan to run again. Sorry, no offense to your sport, but could you check that sale rack over there and tell me if there are any shoes that would be good for my foot that are half off or something?”

Unfortunately, there was not a shoe that was on sale that could accommodate my flawed feet. Anyway, blog, I might start running soon!

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We are getting pretty big

Published July 27, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Hello Blog! According to various technology blogs, Apple has manufactured an iPhone sellout in order to make their product seem hip and popular. As someone who knows people who use iPhones, I was mildly enraged! I was somewhat offended! I sort of could not believe Apple would take its addicted users for granted and toy with their emotions to make their product seem more popular!

After my initial semi-dismay, I thought about how I could follow this technology behemoth’s model. Everyone loves Apple, and soon, everyone will love imawkard.com. But clearly, we have a ways to go. How could we here at imawkward.com manufacture an overburdening popularity? The answer soon dawned on me. We could post up one of those “we have exceeded bandwith” pages. And so, I am going to add a link to the home page. The link is going to be called, “Amazingly Awkward.” The content will be so popular that it will consistently exceed bandwidth *wink*.

In other news dear blog, I’m yet again on travels. This time I’m in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I hope to see the Mall of America and purchase something, like an article of clothing, or shoes, or a day planner.

Oh! Also I have some great news, we’ve created a new site, here at imawkward.com. We’ve compiled all sorts of amazingly awkward material. Be sure to take a look and tell your friends! Click here.

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Is this a post?

Published June 30, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Hiyo!

Blog, I’m back, but not for long. I’ve been away on work travels recently, and who knows when I will be shipped out again. Sure, I know, but who else knows? My boss probably knows. That was a silly question to throw out there, wasn’t it? Yes. Yes it was.

Blog, I’ve taken to a new form of engaging in discussion. I now ask questions, and then, then what do I do? I answer them. Is this form of rhetoric effective? Absolutely not. It is annoying, and would even I like talking to someone who spoke in questions? Probably not. But I’m doing it nonetheless, blog. Why? Because it’s time to stir things up. It’s time for change.

What else have I been up to? Well, I’ve been to the movies! I’ve also purchased some music! I own the new Coldplay album and the new Fratellis album. Do either of them live up to their predeccesors? No. I will keep listening to them, however, and may eventually grow to love the two albums.

I’ve also been reading I Love You, Beth Cooper, which is a book about an awkward series of events that unfold after a high school valedictorian professes his love for the head cheerleader during his speech. He also tells off all sorts of other class characters. The book is entertaining. Do I identify with the nerdy protagonist? No! Ha! I was cool in high school, duh.

Whoops, I told you I’ve been to the movies two paragraphs ago, but I didn’t elaborate on the movies! Wasn’t that thoughtless of me? Yes, yes it was. I’ve seen Get Smart (great!) and The Incredible Hulk (okay.). I want to see Wanted, and I’ve just checked out rottentomatoes.com to see what the critics have to say. I kind of hate that site because the critics make me feel dumb. Take, for example, this review of Wanted by Sean McBride:

If you’re one of those summer movie fanatics, the kind of person who values non-stop action and cutting-edge special effects to the exclusion of character and story, then the new movie “Wanted” is certainly the film you want to see

Let’s do an instant replay of how I read this:

Review: If you’re one of those summer movie fanatics…

Me: I LOVE SUMMER MOVIES! ME! Sean is talking to me!

Review: …the kind of person who values non-stop action

Me: ACTION!

Review: and cutting-edge special effects

Me: WHO DOESN’T!? SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME MOVIE!

Review: to the exclusion of character and story

Me: What?

Review: …then the new movie “Wanted” is certainly the film you want to see

Me: Huh? So you’re saying…it’s …not…good?

I find this kind of rhetoric confusing and condescending. How would people feel if that’s how I answered questions?

Question: How is the weather?

Me: If you’re the kind of person who enjoys warm air and suffocating humidity, this weather is for you.

Question: How was the meal?

Me: If you’re kind of person who likes spicy food, a dash of originality, fresh ingrediants, and high prices, this restaurant would suit you well.

I realize the answers are informative and thorough, but there are ways to inform your audience without defining them. For example:

Question: How was the movie?

Me: The movie had a lot of action scenes, but the plot and characters were poorly defined. I did not like it, because I like plot and character development. That’s just the kind of person I am. Maybe your needs are not as complex as mine. Maybe you lack my depth of appreciation for cinema productions. Maybe you didn’t major in media studies, like I did, with a minor in art history. You probably lack my sophistication and refined movie taste.

Hmm. Is it possible that answering questions is not as easy as I first thought? Yes it is possible! Go forth, sassy rottentomatoes critics. Proceed with your passive ways.

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From that day on, I wuz runnin'

Published May 21, 2008 by Editor in Chief

Great news blog. I now have, in my possession, a giant whiteboard. This whiteboard will be paramount to my ability to brainstorm on a whiteboard. Before, I didn’t have a whiteboard, so there was no whiteboard brainstorming. In fact, all of my brainstorming was on a piece of paper, or in my head, or not happening at all. Things will change dramatically now. Brainstorming, as I know it, will never be the same. I have grand plans to find a whiteboard marker and a whiteboard eraser as well.

In other great news, the comic is making great progress. It’s not funny, but it’s there, and that in itself is remarkable progress.

Well blog, it has been a while since I wrote, so I suppose I should update you on the great happenings in my life. The weather has been finicky, with the temperature undulating heavily for the past few weeks. April’s showers continued into May, and while the rain has been great for the grass, it has made reveling in spring growth difficult because I avoid going outside. Additionally, the lack of warm weather has curtailed my shopping for fun summer attire, and that affects you, blog, because shopping adventures form the bulk of my blog content.

I’m also training for a 10 mile run. By “training” I mean I signed up to run 10 miles, and have been thinking about running. I have to buy running shoes first, however. Then, after buying the shoes, I have to make a schedule that dictates how much I must run. I must also amass a bunch of quotations about setting goals and perseverance.

For example:

“Running is a big question mark that’s there each and every day. It asks you, ‘Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'”
– Peter Maher, Irish-Canadian Olympian and sub-2:12 marathoner

“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.”
– Anonymous

“Top results are reached only through pain. But eventually you like this pain. You’ll find the more difficulties you have on the way, the more you will enjoy your success.”
– Juha “the Curel” Vaatainen

“Sam’s daughter ran three marathon’s last year.”
-My Dad

You see, blog, training for a 10 miler is complicated. It is comprised of complex relationships that intricately work together.

After making the schedule and organizing my quotations, I must dedicate half an hour each day to finding excuses to avoid running and going off schedule. These excuses will primarily be inspired by injuries, a dream about getting an injury, or hearing a story about someone who died while running.

The amount of guilt I feel for not running will be inversely proportional to the severity of my concocted excuse.

The powerful-ness of the quotations will be directly proportional to the amount of guilt I feel for not running.

And lastly, I must factor in peer pressure. Two friends will be running the same 10 miler, and I’ve already told a handful of people I am training for a 10 miler. Luckily, the amount of guilt I feel for not running is not related to peer pressure in any way, or, x=0. See, one of the two friends is my boyfriend, and the running discussion is easy to have with him, because he has the attention span of a dalmation.

Him: Have you been training for the run?

Me: No.

Him: I’m hungry. What do you want to eat?

Him: We should eat before we watch the movie.

Him: The movie starts at 9, so we should go now. Let’s go now!

Him: But first, watch me play this song on Guitar Hero. Wait, no, we should go.

Him: Just one song.

The other friend is a female friend who absolutely loves running and has signed up for all sorts of other runs. So, we can safely assume she’s nutty.

The handful of people I’ve told probably don’t remember. So, check!

Blog, there’s more. I have more to share with you.

Last night I saw Baby Mama, and it was so funny, blog. And guess what! Tina Fey was wearing a dress that I own! And she’s left handed too! See, blog, I had this whole plan when I met Tina to talk about how we’re both left handed, but I didn’t really know where to go from there. NOW, I can talk to her about how we have the same dress, but that she looks better in it than I do, of course. Then, maybe she would say, “Well, I work out.”

And I would respond, “Oh me too! I’m training for a 10 miler.”

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