URLs don't change, but people do.
Big news this week. Connor got dumped.
As a seasoned dumpee, I feel it’s my duty to make him feel better about the whole thing. And I will. Through this entry. You’re welcome, Connor.
First, let’s do a re-cap for anyone who doesn’t know the details. Connor, please correct if I’m wrong.
Who: Connor
What: Got dumped.
Where: Over Facebook IM. (Can you believe it?! I didn’t even know people actually used Facebook’s IM capabilities, let alone for such gripping conversation.)
When: Tuesday night
Why: Well, I can’t be sure, but I can speculate through a top ten list.
TOP TEN REASONS CONNOR PROBABLY GOT DUMPED
10. Connor drowns his sorrows in the devil’s liquid. That’s right, Connor drinks too much coffee.
9. Connor is inept with technology. He doesn’t understand how email works.
8. Connor leaves long voicemail messages, eating up precious cellular minutes. Most of the time, the message is incoherent and lacks a call-to-action.
7. Connor is an exceptional knitter. This can be bothersome to women who do not want to wear the scarves he knits for them.
6. Connor hates Lifehouse and Coldplay, which suggests he lacks two ears and a heart.
5. Connor recently started watching the CBS reality show, Big Brother. (snicker)
4. She’s just not that into him. (Add your story to the widget Connor!)
3. Sometimes Connor takes his affinity for robots too far, harassing real robots who have to make a living. Here is video taken from a trip to France, in which Connor tries to prove he is a better robot.
2. Connor is constantly telling David to “get out while he still can.”
And the number one reason Connor probably got dumped…
1. Overall lack of fashion sense.
So Connor, enough speculation, now it’s time for some advice. Right now, you’re asking yourself, “Will the pain ever stop?”
The answer is a clear, resounding, “No.” She was probably the one. You can never do better, and you never will. Your future is fated to eating ice cream and watching Big Brother’s compelling plot unfold. Maybe you’ll pretend you’re in the house too, talking to fellow cast members about how they aren’t doing their dishes as promptly as you had hoped. Who knows?
There are a few things you can do. You can continue to update your blog, as it is your one redeeming quality. Or Connor, you can embrace the church. Finally, you can compose music, inspired by your pain and driven by your loneliness. It worked for Alanis Morisette and Avril Lavigne, so it should work for you too.
There are few things I can do too. In addition to this thoughtful entry, I will send you a mix CD, comprised entirely of James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat 18 times. The CD will be titled, “Don’t Jump, Connor.” It will soothe your heart – the pieces that remain anyway – and console your mind.
Stay strong, friend.
2 CommentsYesterday I resolved to buy a mouse for my Macbook. I went to the student bookstore, in search of a good student discount. When I got there, I saw that a Mac mouse would cost $49.99.
“Outrageous!” I thought to myself. “I can pay for almost 250 messages, outside of a text plan, with that kind of money. Or, I could cover texting for the next 10 months at a rate of $5/month.”
Then I thought, “Well, I’m going to have the mouse for more than 10 months.”
But then, I became an indignant consumer. “A Mac mouse only has one button. Why am I paying $50 for ONE button? It’s like paying $50 to rest my hand on a random block that has gliding capabilities.”
As I stood there, making faces at the Mac mouse box, a salesperson approached – no, wait, more like an angel descended upon me, granting me salvation I may not have deserved. She spoke. “You know, those mice work with a Mac too” pointing to another row of mice.
I looked up. Could this be true? “You mean, these cheaper ones will work on my Macbook?”
“Yep,” she replied.
“Well, how come all the Mac users I see use Mac mice?” I asked. She shrugged. Lemmings!
This tale has a happy ending, dear blog. I bought a wireless mouse for only $29.99! And, it can work on the Mac and on the Lenovo. Isn’t that great news! Blog, I knew you’d like this story. You’re welcome.
Leave a CommentWell. I did it. Today, I cut my fingernails.
I know what you are thinking.
You are thinking, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Cutting was rash but necessary. David was teaching me to play the guitar (pronounced git-tarr), and my fingernails were interfering with the notes. So, the nails had to go.
Why was he even teaching me to play guitar? Well, I’m glad you asked. We were going to learn the duet “Anyone Else But You.” Why that song? Because David is the Juno to my Paulie Bleeker. Plus, the song seemed easy, and you can replace the words with anything you want, as long as you end each sentence by crooning, “Anyone else, buuuutttttt you, do dodo do dodo do.”
Leave a CommentWhen we last left, our heroine (yours truly) was downloading Windows updates.
Conquering the monstrous file sizes, she moved on to install eight additional drivers for the machine. That’s right. Eight. Additional. Drivers.
One obstacle remained: the correct audio driver. After installing four different ones, her sound still wasn’t working. Exhausted, emotionally drained, and mentally distraught, “This is bullsh*t.” she declared.
Then, she looked up. Her fist shot in the air, shaking. “You may have won this time, Lenovo.” She paused. Dramatically. Very dramatically. In fact, the pause was so long, a casual observer would have felt she was done speaking. But, the casual observer would have been INCORRECT! She continued, “I will have my way!”
Well, that was Thursday night, and the sound still wasn’t working Friday morning, and I didn’t really have time to look at it. “Uh…but you had time to start writing a post?” you ask. My response: “Who made you the Time Management Police? Look. I don’t need this kind of criticism from you. I get enough of it from my conscience.”
Where were we? Oh yes. My audio driver not working is a big problem. Some people can get by without music or a soundtrack running in the background, but did you see my stop-motion? (plug!) Obviously, I have awesome taste in music. In fact, I recently made a compilation.
The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. It takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention. Then you gotta take it up a notch. But you don’t want to blow your wad. So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules (High Fidelity 2000).
I did it. I kicked it off with a killer: “Daylight,” by Matt and Kim. Then, I took it up a notch, a la “New In Town,” by Littles Boots. Then, I cooled it with “Sugar, Sugar,” by The Archies – an oldie but goodie. Then, I ended with a bang: “Embers,” by Just Jack.
(inspired)…it’s time to get the sound working.
Leave a CommentHave you seen the summer stop-motion? I want to make sure you saw it.
Did you?
I’ll wait in case you want to watch it again. Go on! All you have to do is scroll down a little.
Now, on to today’s topic.
As an outstanding student, I hang on my professor’s every word. Then, after inscribing the professor’s golden bits of wisdom onto my very core, I scribble the words in my notebook, so that I may read them, again and again and again.
Well, today in class we were in a classroom with chairs that have desks attached to them. These chairs are really uncomfortable. Plus, they are hard to write in, because I’m left-handed, and they are designed for the right-handed. The desk portion is slanted, to the right, so I have to prop up my notebook with my right hand and then write with my left.
I figured out the best way to leverage my right hand was to put my right fist on the top right of the notebook, with my right elbow supporting the right side of the notebook. I could then concentrate on writing with my left hand, if I hunched over juuuuust right.
After a while, it dawned on me that the casual, right-handed observer may perceive my note-taking stance to be rather protective. Because I was all hunched over, I took on a form akin to one who suspects others of cheating.
Well it’s a seminar, so there’s no reason to cheat or be protective of anything, so at some point I started worrying that the student next to me thought I thought she was trying to copy my notes. I sat around and brainstormed how to go about rectifying this potential confusion.
Plan A: Turn to her and say, “It’s hard to write in these desks, huh. We have to sit all funny, don’tcha know?”
Plan B: Sit up straight and push my notebook in the other student’s direction, as if to indicate I am fine with anyone looking at my notes, coincidentally written entirely in Haiku format.
Plan C: Just go with it. Remain hunched over, and glare at the students around me. Accuse the student next to me of copying my notes. “You are trying to copy how I interpret what the professor just said. Well the jig is up.”
I decided to go with Plan B.
In other news, I hate hate hate installing operating systems because you have to get all the updates and re-download drivers. I hate it. It’s almost 2am, and I see no end in sight.
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