I Am Cool Now Posts

Now that I’ve qualified my intellectual merit (re: beret, scarf, glasses, and beard) it’s time I evaluated some art.

This is a compelling piece I did in sixth or seventh grade. I’m not sure what the assignment was, but I know I received an A on it, because that’s how I rolled.

When I uncovered it in the basement alongside other posters I had made for school, I was immediately impressed with the high caliber of my work. I choose this poster to present to you because it is also particularly telling.

Let’s begin with this phrase I cut out, “You can never be too thin, or too powerful.” How insightful of 11-year-old me! It’s clear that even at a young age, I had a clear grasp of reality. In fact, to this day, I have remained anorexic. The only thing I hunger after is power. For example, this site, imawkward, will bring me one step closer to being hugely influential. Right now I have three readers, and one day, I will have five. Then seven, and before I know it, I will have 30 readers – my time will come.

Hmm, there is also a picture of a frazzled older fellow. This must be what I felt like on the inside, when I was 11.

Now let’s see – there are a lot of red cars. One is cross-eyed and grinning. This must be symbolic of my proclivity to look adversity, presented in the form of car troubles, in the face and smile stupidly. On the left it writes, “Grab the spot light at the stop light,” which stresses the importance of being a law-abiding citizen. Bravo, young me. Bravo.

I’ve been thinking about donning a beret.

A beret would let people know that I am an artiste.

Without a beret, I am nothing.

A beret is not enough. I also need…a scarf.

And glasses – thick-rimmed ones, that assist me with reading intellectual texts.

And most importantly, I must have a beard to stroke.

Perfect.

This is Mike.

He is tall, Sara’s husband, and David’s best friend.
I’ve also met Mike’s mom.
Mike’s mom is tall, Sara’s mother-in-law, and David’s best friend’s mother.

Me: David did you read my blog today?

David: …no….

Me: Did you read it yesterday?

David: …no…Did you write a really good post?

Me: No, but Mike reads my blog almost every day.

David: MIKE IS ALWAYS MAKING ME LOOK BAD!

Me: mmHmm

Well, big news today. I can FINALLY buy a school book on my Kindle. None of my other books for school were available on the Kindle!

Yes, yes, I’ll wait until you stop gushing. It’s true, I have a Kindle. I read an electric machine. My odds of getting a paper cut from turning a page are less than yours, because you still read primitive, paper-based books.

Actually, I’ve slowly started to realize there aren’t many perks to a Kindle. I can’t really recommend books I’ve read on the Kindle to other people, because I am not able to let them borrow the actual book when I’m done reading it. Conversations around Kindle book recommendations end up going a little like this:
“Oh my gosh. I just read this awesome book. And I finished the book… probably won’t read it again for a while, if ever, and NO! You can’t borrow it. Buy your own g*ddamn copy!”

People assume I’m really protective of publishers’ rights, but that’s not the case at all. There’s just no way for me to share my digital copy. If I could, I would share books all day long.

The coolest thing about my Kindle is talking to other Kindle users about it. Here’s how that conversation goes:

Them: Yeah so I read it on my Kindle, no big deal. I have a Kindle. Did you hear me? I have hardware to read books.

Me: Oh hey! Me too!

Them: You?

Me: Totally, do you have a DX too?

Them: Well…no just a regular one.

Me: Oh. Hm. That makes me a more sophisticated reader I suppose.

Them: (defeated look)

Anyway, I’m going to buy my book on the Kindle, and I’m going to read it, and then, I’m going to take my Kindle to class, and when people reference certain page numbers to provide evidence for their claims, I’m going to angrily throw my Kindle across the room because there are no page numbers on a Kindle!

Where was I? Oh yes, I’m going to buy my book on the Kindle and have the book right away, no more hidden shipping costs or having to wonder when my book will arrive. I will have my book, and it will be glorious, because when the class is done, keeping the book won’t really take up any space! It’ll be stored compactly against all of my other awesome, instantaneous reads.

So there you have it: the pros and cons of a Kindle presented in a compelling narrative format.

Blog, listen up. I was going to read myself to sleep, but I’ve just seen something so upsetting that I had to share it with you immediately.

So, for the past few days, Weezer ballads have been playing on repeat in my head. Specifically, I’ve been replaying “Perfect Situation” and “Keep Fishin’ “ Are you familiar with them? They’re beautiful.

This evening, I was thinking about Keep Fishin’. I realized I don’t really know all the words to the song, so I looked up the lyrics. I googled “Weezer Keep Fishin’ lyrics” and clicked on the first link that came up: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Keep-Fishin’-lyrics-Weezer/2B9D5E0F0138E37E48256BA0001041B2

So I read the lyrics, said, “Oohhh, that’s what he’s saying. Okay okay. What a great song.” Then I scrolled to the bottom of the page. There’s a section titled Review about Keep Fishin’.

I’m pasting the review here:

😀 | Reviewer: Vex | 7/28/2007

I really love this song. It puts me in a real uplifted mood and like helps cheer me up when im down. The title explains itself: Keep Fishin’. It kinda sybolises with the ending of relationships. It shows that though the fish has gotten away, if you keep fishin’ you’ll find the fish that you can catch.
If you get my dig.

Keep Fishin’ = [LUV]

Blog, you deserve a play-by-play of how I read this:

Reviewer: I really love this song.
Me: ME TOO! IloveitIloveitIloveit!

Reviewer: It puts me in a real uplifted mood and like helps cheer me up when im down.
Me: Well, okay, I can see that, but I prefer listening to it when I’m like down.

Reviewer: The title explains itself: Keep Fishin’.
Me: Yes, a deftly determined title indeed.

Reviewer: It kinda sybolises with the ending of relationships.
Me: Oooh. Sybolises – let’s look that word up…and no, it is apparently not a word.

Reviewer: It shows that though the fish has gotten away, if you keep fishin’ you’ll find the fish that you can catch.
Me: NEIN! That is NOT THE MEANING OF THE SONG, VEX. That is not what it sybolises!

Reviewer: If you get my dig.
Me: Is that even an expression? What does that expression sybolise? Does it sybolise someone digging in the ground, and if you keep digging, you will get the dirt that you can dig?

Reviewer: Keep Fishin’ = [LUV]
Me: Thank you for that final piece of clarification, Vex.

Anyway, after reading the review, I was really devastated, because apparently I had misunderstood the song all along. So I began this blog post. Now, however, as I think about the song more, I realize that like all music, every one gets what they want out of it, even if it’s the same four lines over and over again. Vex, you keep fishin’. I dig.

Weezer’s Keep Fishin’ Music Video

This past weekend I saw Zombieland, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. Throughout the movie, Jesse Eisenberg, aka Columbus, shares his rules for how to avoid being killed by zombies.

After seeing the movie, I knew what I had to do.

Buy tall leather boots.

While my companions viewed the movie as a delightful romantic-horror-comedy, I saw the movie for what it really was: instructional. I took detailed mental notes in every scene, filing away information Columbus didn’t think worthy of highlighting, but I knew would be valuable in the (God-forbid) event of a zombie takeover.

The most important implicit take-away I had from the movie was that if you’re a woman, you need to have awesome tall boots to adequately shoot and kick zombies. Wichita was wearing tall leather boots and skinny jeans, and clearly, it is imperative that I too have such boots and jeans to adequately ward off zombies.

Boots are not easy – you have to find boots that are fashionable, but also weather resistant and capable of supporting your ankles should you need to sprint and jump hurdles to avoid zombies.

There’s one more thing that makes boot shopping tricky – salespeople. I was shocked during my Saturday shopping excursion to find the salespeople ill-equipped to answer the most obvious of questions regarding the boots.

Me: Yes, I see there is a two inch heel on this shoe, which is great for making my thighs appear slim, but will these heels withstand the impact of leaping off of the top of say…a two story building? Nothing excessive – just two stories. It would be preferable if upon landing I was able to continue running. Could I keep running in these boots?

Salesperson: (stare)

Me: Okay, well how about a one story building? And, forget the running, just an injury free landing would be great.

Salesperson: I can check to see if the boots come with a warranty.

Me: That would be great. Thank you.

Anyway, now I have awesome tall boots.

Next on my list is awesome skinny jeans. Stay tuned.