I Am Cool Now – Page 25 – URLs don't change, but people do.

Perks of Being a Reader

Published October 9, 2012 by Editor in Chief

I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. I read this book because the movie preview for it looked compelling, and I wanted to be able to say smart things about the movie after seeing it, such as,

“What an interesting interpretation of the book!”
“The movie really captured the book’s essence,”
“The dialogue was delivered just as I imagined it after reading the book,” and
“Let me make myself clear: I read the book before seeing the movie, because that’s the kind of intellectually cultivated person I am.”

The book was well-written and started out rather depressing, but it had a message of hope in it that I appreciate in stories. It’s also a quick read and fortunately didn’t remind me of my high school experience but did remind me of people I knew and that we all grow up differently. That wasn’t a particularly profound statement, but these blog pages aren’t going to fill themselves with brilliance all the time. I’m not a wizard.

The book did remind me to look into The Smiths, the alternative artists that were cult favorites in the 80’s. In both this book and 500 Days of Summer, The Smiths serve as a uniting force among characters that are unique, smart and attractive. Since I’ve already found my soul mate and have a healthy cache of smart, unique and attractive friends, I don’t have to become a Smiths fan immediately, but I do think I should add appreciation of them to my list of “things to do to seem hip” list.

I hope I don’t ruin the book or movie for anyone who wants to see it, but I did find the big reveal at the end discomforting. I grew to accept Charlie’s passive, anxious behavior as part of who he was, and that was actually an interesting journey that forced me to momentarily explore my own prejudices. So when we, and everyone else, learn the thing we learn at the end, it’s almost the author’s way of justifying the protagonists’ wallflower personality throughout the book, suggesting he wouldn’t be as he is without this thing having happened, when actually it’s okay to be the way he is, without some kind of event triggering it.

Anyway, my point is, Jennie*, if you’ve read the book, we should discuss it sometime because you understand personality really well, and you are always fun to talk to.

*If you are not Jennie, I apologize for any confusion. This paragraph is only meant for Jennie, although it’s likely you are fun to talk to as well.

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The Brunch that Almost Was

Published October 8, 2012 by Editor in Chief

When last we left, I had purchased a dress online. The dress arrived, dear reader, and it fits exactly as the people in the comments suggested it might: the cut makes me look pregnant and the bust area is strangely pointy. But it has polka dots, so the dress stays and shall become a staple in my wardrobe.

Yesterday, I put the dress on along with the new belt and some great boots. We wanted to go to brunch. We arrived at our brunch destination, and we told the hostess, “Table for two please.” There were plenty of tables available behind her, so I felt confident that we would be seated and served and were in for a great brunch. She asked if we had a reservation. “No,” we replied, and I looked over her shoulder at all the empty tables and back at her, to demonstrate that we needn’t play games.

“Unfortunately our brunch isn’t open. We are having a closed event today. It’s a mock event and invitation only.”
David chimed in: “But on your website it says you are open for brunch.”
“I’m very sorry, we’ll try to take care of that promptly,” said the man-in-the-suit standing tall next to the hostess in a “We don’t want any trouble here” tone that was disproportionate to the situation.
We stood there and stared at them, and they looked back at us.
“If you’d like we can have you speak the manager,” she offered nervously.
David laughed, “That won’t be necessary,” which is a relief because I was trying to brainstorm what we would say to a manager in this situation.

Here is what I would say,

Manager: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I would like a table for two for brunch.
Manager: Do you have a reservation?
Me: No.
Manager: We are having a mock brunch.
Me: I do not know what that means. But I dressed up for brunch in this polka dot dress, and we drove two hours to eat here. (This is a lie, but desperate times, you know.)
Manager: It’s invitation only I’m afraid.
Me: No problem. You can invite us. We will accept if the invitation is well-designed and has no grammatical errors.
Manager: That’s not how it works.
Me: Okay, a couple grammatical errors are fine. It’s just an invitation after all. I imagine most of the effort goes into the event and the food.
Manager: I’ll be happy to make a reservation for you for another weekend.
Me: Dejected look

And that would be the end of it.

David and I walked out, and we discussed where to go next in front of the restaurant, next to their sign saying they were open for brunch alongside their brunch menu. Teases.

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A Notable Week

Published October 5, 2012 by Editor in Chief

This week was most notable for many reasons. First, I went to the dentist for the first time in over three years on Monday. “Disgusting,” you say, “You waited over three years?”
Yes, I was nurturing the community of bacteria in my mouth so that it could prosper and thrive. And then after three years of spectacular growth, I arranged for a dental hygienist to destroy it all, like a malevolent God.

Anyway, while at the dentist, I become really certain about things. Specifically, I become really certain that I am going to change my dental hygiene habits. I’m going to floss every day. I’m going to wear that retainer once a week. I’m going to brush using that electric toothbrush in that circular pattern for 30 seconds on each quarter of my mouth, first the outside and then the inside. Upcoming visits to the dentist will not be a conversation about how I need to floss better, but rather a series of compliments around my impeccable gums and pearly whites. This is what I think while at the dentist, at the relentless mercy of the hygienist’s vicious poking device.

It has been five days since my visit, and I flossed once, half-heartedly. I’m not sure what my problem is, but if I had a therapist, I would sit on that couch and demand that we delve deeply into what this says about me. Am I my worst enemy? No. Pop Tarts are my worst enemy. That’s a discussion for another day.

This week was also notable because I cleaned our personal bathroom. The guest bathroom gets cleaned all of the time, because we can’t have people thinking we’re dirty. But our personal bathroom is abused, neglected, and has undoubtedly strengthened our immunity to some mild forms of disease. I knew it was time to clean it, because if something is so dirty that I can’t even bear to empty the royal bowels on it, then we have a problem.

I also bought a dress online. And then I went to a store and bought a belt that should match the dress. This is my first online dress. I’m nervous and excited about the whole ordeal. I’ll keep you updated!

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Welcome to Our Humble Home!

Published August 23, 2012 by Editor in Chief

My favorite band right now is definitely Glee. I would be embarrassed about this, if they weren’t the most spectacular thing to hit the music scene since Justin BestillMyHeart Bieber. Now, you might be thinking, “Aren’t you too old for this kind of music taste?” Well, I have two ears and a very big heart, so the answer is obviously, “No.” Let’s move on!

I recently met Connor’s girlfriend, Jody. Since Connor is a good friend who needs all the help he can get with the ladies, it was imperative that I make the best first impression. And I did. I really did. First, we invited Connor and Jody over for dessert. They accepted. Then, we crafted a dessert menu that would make even the fanciest Olive Garden blush: freshly peeled fruit, ripe strawberries, plum cakes, vanilla gelato, hazelnut chocolates, alcohol and coffee. It’s also worth mentioning that I put out a fresh bottle of hand soap in the guest bathroom, so Jody would be impressed with how finely we live.

When Connor and Jody arrived, we bounded towards the door. Well, David was standing by the door, so he opened it, and I sprinted over with a plate of fresh strawberries to welcome them at his side. “Welcome! Welcome! It’s so good to see you!” we said, as they entered our newly vacuumed condo. “Would you like strawberries?!” I asked, eagerly presenting them with the plate. They politely declined, which was a relief, because it was actually an empty gesture. People can’t be eating strawberries in our entrance hallway. That would result in chaos.

“Please have a seat,” I said, leading them towards the living room, where I set down the plate of strawberries next to some plates and napkins so people could nibble on them to their hearts’ content. They did not sit down right away. Instead, they milled about. Concerned that there had been some kind of misunderstanding, I casually helped them out: “This is our couch,” I said, pointing to our large couch. Luckily I quickly realized that they weren’t sitting not because they didn’t understand that that was the couch, but rather that they wanted a tour! So I continued, “And this…this is our kitchen!” I pointed to the kitchen, right next to the living room. “Come. Let me show you,” I graciously offered. “This…is our refrigerator.” Since that’s the extent of our kitchen, I was forced to really build up the refrigerator, which is also nothing spectacular, so I focused on the decor on our refrigerator: “This is a printout of temperatures that meat should be for when we use a meat thermometer. It’s very helpful. This is a picture of me and David from a photo booth. This is ANOTHER picture of us from a photobooth, a year later!” I could tell Jody was liking these explanations, so I continued by sharing why these photos were fun.

“When David and I were planning our wedding, I really wanted a photobooth. So we went to a wedding showcase and tried out this photobooth.”

We got into the booth, and we stood there.

Then I said, “David, let’s kiss.”

To which David replied, “No!”

I replied, “Okay…haha….wait what?”

David said, “I have to see how this thing works.”

So I thought about this.

Then I realized it was lunacy.

“WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? IT’s A CAMERA IN A GIANT BOX. WHY WON’T YOU KISS ME? THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO IN A PHOTOBOOTH. THAT IS HOW PHOTOBOOTHS WORK!”

Then our demo session was done, and we stepped out of the booth. The vendor, who probably heard us yelling, looked at me and looked at the photo strip from our demo. I looked back at him and said, “Does this come with boas and funny hats? We’ll take it. I’ll be in touch.”

We ended up deciding not to have a photobooth. The story doesn’t end there though!

Almost a year later, David picked a restaurant for Valentine’s Day. “Look, they have a photobooth!” he said.

He knew what to do this time. Warning! You’re about to see PG-13 content.

I felt Jody enjoyed this story as thoroughly as you just must have dear reader, and seized this opportunity in front of the refrigerator to offer our guests beverages: “Would you like water, juice, beer, liquor, or coffee? We have Acai juice and orange juice.”

They both selected water.

I cleverly quipped, “How cold should I make the water? I know, enough to break the ice, please have a seat!”

Okay, I didn’t say that, but I should have. It would have cemented in Jody’s mind that which she probably already suspected: I am Connor’s coolest friend.

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Inspiring Art

Published August 7, 2012 by Editor in Chief

I saw this in a store today. I fell in love with it instantly. It’s by this artist Erin Smith, and she’s terrifically brilliant. I want to plaster her work all over our condo.

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Brilliant Nicki, Just Brilliant!

Published July 25, 2012 by Editor in Chief

In addition to being a pop sensation, Nicki Minaj is a champion of science and research, I’m pretty sure.

On my drive to work this morning, listening to her wax poetic about dancing drunkenly, presumably on the dance floor, it occurred to me that her hit song, “Starships” is actually about expanding NASA’s space program. She has casually inserted these lyrics in there, and it’s only a matter of time before it becomes a common phrase that everyone is repeating. This unassuming neologist has been turning her talents to social engineering, and in the finest way.

If I may, here is a refrain to the catchy tune, Starships:

I’m on the floor, floor
I love to dance
So give me more, more, ’till I can’t stand
Get on the floor, floor
Like it’s your last chance
If you want more, more
Then here I am

Starships were meant to fly
Hands up, and touch the sky
Can’t stop, ’cause we’re so high
Let’s do this one more time

This line about starships, repeated throughout the song, has nothing to do with the rest of the song. But unlike Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” masterpiece, the non-sequitur lyrics in Starships perhaps serve an alternative purpose: put starships in flight. I’m a big fan of space research, so I shall now also become a fan of Nicki Minaj. Bravo! Let’s put starships in flight!

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A New Approach to Parking Tickets

Published July 20, 2012 by Editor in Chief

I saw the classiest thing the other day. These two guys returned to their car, and the person in the passenger side saw that there was a parking ticket. He took the ticket, shook his head, and showed the ticket to the driver, who also shook his head. Then they got into their car and continued their evening, driving off. That was it.

Usually, when I get a parking ticket, I do the exact opposite of what I witnessed. “WHAT IS THIS?!” I yell indignantly. And I know what it is, and since I am holding it, I continue rhetorically, “IS THIS A PARKING TICKET?! WHAT THE HELL!”

Holding back tears, I look around for the signs that justify the infuriating piece of paper. Then I yell at the sign, which is usually hidden behind a bush or on the other side of a meter in small font. “NO ONE SEES YOU.” And then I yell again, “NO ONE SEES THIS!” in hopes that there is a meter maid nearby who will hear me and make a mental note to recommend that the city invest in larger parking signs.

After concluding my investigative work, I embark on an anti-city-government tirade with the type of vitriol that should probably be reserved for like, murderers or health insurance agencies.

However, after seeing these two gentlemen, and how calmly they treated the occasion, I have made a mental note to adopt a new approach to receiving a parking ticket. Hopefully I won’t have an opportunity to try it out soon.

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It’s Time to Sparkle

Published July 19, 2012 by Editor in Chief

It has been a long time since I updated. You’re probably thinking, “Well…your last entry was about social awareness…surely you have been tied up in philanthropic endeavors. That is admirable, and for that, your absence is forgiven.”

Well, thank you. I appreciate your understanding. I…might have just been busy with regular work…but that is neither here nor there.

I’m back now, and that is all that matters. So without any further ado, I shall share something very important with you:

I am going to add the word “sparkle” to my vernacular. I’m going to use the word every day, because it’s the most beautiful word. I’m also going to make “sparkling” part of my life mission. In everything I create, I will ask myself, “Is there enough sparkle here?” If the answer is “No,” I will deem the work unacceptable until it shines. If I meet someone with an exceptional amount of sparkle, I will befriend them, and then I will mimic everything they do, so that I too can have an exceptional amount of sparkle. And on days when it is difficult to sparkle, I will sparkle brightest of all.

Hoorah!

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The Wire and my new social conscience

Published February 12, 2012 by Editor in Chief

While I usually try to avoid serious topics on this here blog, having spent the past three weeks watching HBO’s The Wire, I feel it’s time I waxed poetic about the seedy underbelly of Baltimore City. As a viewer of The Wire, I am an expert on the matter, no doubt.

Okay, actually, I admit I am no expert, but the show was fantastic. And even though the series ended in 2008, the issues it addressed: problems with inner city schools, social care, drug enforcement, police resources and development processes, newspaper pressures and political jockeying are still widely prevalent. Like the show demonstrates, there are no easy solutions, or maybe solutions even, because there are so many various factors that could impede any sort of progress.

That having been said, I’m still frustrated when I hear about money in school systems. For example, The Chester Upland School district is on the verge of going broke. Any time budget cuts affect schools, I get really upset because I cannot think of anything more important than educating children. What project was so important that it warranted a governor cutting 866 million dollars from the school system budget? State senator Dominic Pileggi said, “I can tell you, there’s no appetite, there’s no appetite to just simply keep sending money without accountability.” What does this even mean? Were they writing blank checks before? Obviously not. But if so – whose fault is that? Is he asking to see some kind of business plan for the school system? Should the students be holding more bake sales? I find this outrageous and I hope his constituents find it unacceptable as well.

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