One of the most awkward things to tell people is that I am an aspiring comedian. It always follows with this conversation:
Person: Tell me a joke.
Me: Well, I’m aspiring, so I don’t have many jokes yet.
Person: Tell me one.
Me: (hesitate)
Person: (getting angry) Come on. Tell me one joke.
Me: It’s not very good. (Lower expectations)
Person: Come on!
Me: Okay, here it is (pause, take a deep breath, build anticipation)
Person: (Stares.)
Me: I was at an open mic last week. And I thought, “Wow, that looks very difficult. I bet I can make that look difficult too.”
Person: (Stares. Slowly begins to nod.)
Me: That’s the joke.
Person: I get it. That’s kind of funny.
Me: Thank you. That’s my best joke.
It has come to my attention that if you want to buy a pair of google glasses, you must submit a paragraph explaining why you want to buy google glasses. I thought this requirement was incredible and have decided to implement a letter writing process to help me earn the privilege of all future purchases.
Purchase Plan: This sweater from JCrew
Ground-breaking sweater with buttons
Dear JCrew,
When I was younger (re: last year) I discovered the reformative power of elbow patches. I also like buttons on sweaters. However, up until recently, buttons on sweaters rarely served functional purposes. They were simply shoulder décor. Your innovative design demonstrates that buttons can indeed serve a function when placed on sweaters. This design is going to change the world, and I want – no, I demand – to be at the forefront of this fashion revolution.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Prescription Glasses Dear Optical Retailer,
When I was younger, I was diagnosed with the devastating condition of NATROPS (Not Able to Read Overhead Projector Slides). My world was turned upside down as I was henceforth forced to live a life bound to the whims of a tempestuous polycarbonate companion susceptible to harsh weather conditions, such as fog, rain and sudden changes in temperature as I go from outside to inside (glasses). To make matters worse, I also had astigmatism. I’ve learned to fully accept my condition and the person it has made me, and all I ask is that you do the same. Kindly allow me to purchase these glasses from you. I cannot legally drive without them.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Dental check up Dear Dentist,
Last year I visited you, and it was amicable. I assured you at the end of the visit that I would be back soon for a check-up and would dedicate my evenings to rigorous flossing and brushing exercises. I must confess that although I didn’t know it at the time, these promises were written in sand. This means that I did not keep them. They were blown away by the metaphorical wind, obviously. I’ll probably repeat this exercise with you this year. Engage me in our annual oral song and dance and pencil me in for an appointment.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Airplane flight Dear Travelocity,
Travel is very complicated to begin with: perhaps humans are not meant to be in the air. But humans are bold and daring and presumptuous, so they have figured out flight. This is in no thanks to you, you annoying third-party booking system full of trickery. Moving forward I’m booking directly through the airlines.
Sincerely,
Me
I’m planning a wedding, and I wanted to know whether 3/10th of a mile was too much to ask guests in formal attire to walk. Please tell me.
Walking Planner
—-
Hello Walking Planner,
3/10ths of a mile is a short distance to ask guests to walk for your big moment. You will not be able to determine who your strongest guests are by only asking that they walk 3/10ths of mile.
On the big day, guests will be eager to demonstrate their prowess to you. I suggest a minimum of one mile in formal attire to start separating the wheat from the chaff. If you insist on 3/10ths of a mile, I recommend adding obstacles such as sidewalk closures and homeless people to the route.
If you’re looking for a psychological thriller that confirms your suspicions about the mentally handicapped, look no further than Prisoners, a movie that stars the handsome Jake Gyllenhaal and compelling Hugh Jackman. Because I don’t like movie reviews that give away too much, that’s all I can say here. *
I give this movie 12 whistles!
*Actually I do want to mention that there was a couple next to us during this movie that left an hour before the movie ended, and they left their popcorn and soda in the theater. I honestly think they couldn’t handle the suspense. This movie is not for the weak of mind.
If you’re looking for a psychological thriller that confirms your suspicions about the mentally depressed, look no further than Side Effects, a movie that stars the haunting Rooney Mara and intriguing Jude Law. Because I don’t like movie reviews that give away too much, that’s all I can say here.
Play by Play of Me Getting Dressed in the Morning:
This young woman hails from the Mid-Atlantic, a region known for its fickle weather and political confusion. She starts with a strong layering decision: a button down and a sweater. But wait, rather than pants, she is putting on…a skirt! Ladies and gentlemen! Skirts have been seen in the recent JCrew catalogue offering, but this one has been resting in her closet for over seven years and is an unprecedented addition to today’s conservative ensemble. She does not cease to amaze. Okay, and now, now for the tights selection…will she go with the standard, respectable black color? Yes. Yes. Predictable. Wait. She is changing her mind. She is going with…GRAY. Gray tights to accent the gray sweater! Inspired approach to colors today: gray tights are just different enough to be noticed and subtle enough to wear in polite company. She has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.
Play by Play of Me Starting Work in the Morning:
This young woman has already overcome incredible odds by just being here, ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes? Yes. Tell us more about that, the fans love a good overcoming-the-obstacles story. Ah yes, well, you see, she did not want to be here this morning, and now, now she is here. Oh. Is that it? She might have a cold. We can’t be sure if it’s a cold or general grogginess. I see. Incredible young woman here.
Okay let’s focus on the action at hand. She has a lunch bag with her, and she is turning on her desktop computer. And now, now she is putting her lunch bag into the fridge and taking out her coffee mug. That is a strategically inspired move; you can tell she’s a seasoned employee. She does not waste time during her computer boot-up process. She fills her mug with water, and puts in the microwave. Now she is sitting down at the desktop, which is just about ready for her to enter in a password. Does she get it right on the first try? Indeed. Indeed she does. Clearly general grogginess does not affect her keyboard dexterity, which I believe we’ll all continue to marvel at as the day continues.
“If I don’t wake up in the morning, just know that I had a good time.” I sighed, closing my eyes. “You showed me a good time.”
David thought about this for a moment and decided to not accept the compliment: “We need to go to the hospital if you are not feeling well.”
“I’ll be fine!” I replied. “I just drank too much.”
He sat back, “Well that was a really sad thing to say.”
“It was a really honest thing to say,” I whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he smiled and turned to sleep, absentmindedly-grabbing most of the comforter in the process. I was too weak to grab any back, so I laid there, in the cold, and drifted off to my final sleep.
This is the final scene to my new sitcom: How I Met My Maker. Every episode I unwittingly avoid death in a darkly humorous way, until the series finale, obviously, which will be deeply touching.
Things I love:
Avocado
Guacamole
Salsa
Nutella
Tea
Cappuccino
Chocolate chip cookies (soft)
European desserts
Elbow patches
Dresses
Tights
Boots
Exercise
Music
Conspiracy Theories I have:
Jeff Bezos is the mastermind behind this government shut-down to increase Washington Post readership.
Michelle Bachman is part of a covert, unconventional German operation to destroy the U.S. from within. Even the Germans are shocked she is making progress.
Toyota car recalls are just a ploy to get me back to the dealership to pay for unrelated service work.
I still haven’t acquired a chai latte. And my fitbit tracker is not maintaining its charge. So even though I’ve exercised this morning, I have no blinking lights to assure me I was actually exercising. And perhaps a foreboding harbinger of the progress congress will make today, my morning constitution was questionable, at best.
UPDATE: I have acquired a chai latte. We can close this chapter in our blog.
