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I Am Cool Now Posts

Hello Baby!

Hello Baby!

Today is April 2, 2014, and your mom and dad are at the hospital waiting for you to be born. They were admitted to the delivery room around 5:30am. Mike, your father, is usually awake around this time, I think, so it sounds like you two are already on the same schedule.

You are being born to two wonderful people, who are so excited to have you. You have been super loved from the very beginning. And you were conceived out of love too, as I suspect you were conceived on my birthday, a day we always like to celebrate with your mom and dad. Nobody has confirmed or denied this, but I know it to be true.

Now, by the time you’re old enough to read this, around two, I presume, you may be pre-occupied with worldly matters, but I want you to know about your parents too! So here’s a short list:

– Your parents are fun, in the best way possible. They laugh a lot, and they make clever jokes. They once formally invited David over to cultivate their land, after David expressed interest in agriculture. They have taken us apple picking many times, and the trips were always full of laughter. The first time we went on our apple picking trip, Mike pulled down a branch so Sara could pluck the apple. That was fiercely romantic. There was also talk of a meat-bomb, which threw your father and David into fits of laughter, but Sara and I agreed this was a curious phenomenon that only they would share.

– Your parents are kind. In addition to volunteering, they are so quick to help out people who need a hand.

– Your parents are really good looking. Not all parents are good looking. As a child, I was confused when I met children with unattractive parents. I didn’t know that was a thing, as I too was blessed with good-looking parents. So, it’s best you learned now: your parents are better looking than other parents. Keep that information to yourself though; it’s rude to point it out.

– Your parents are smart and hardworking. Sara educated us about farm-raised eggs. Mike knows so much about cars. And both of them understand jokes: subtle and not subtle ones, very quickly. They also have a great work ethic. Seven years ago, they were not long-distance runners, but they trained and practiced, and now are incredible athletes, because they worked really hard at it together. I think Sara runs an 8 minute mile, which is ridiculous.

– Your parents are super sweet. This past weekend, they had us over for pizza and ice cream, and let us stay late to watch the UVA vs. Michigan State basketball game, even though they were really tired and do not care about basketball. And then during half-time, they set up their TV so we could show them two commercials that were not as wonderful as we had built them up to be. And they did this with a smile on their faces the whole time, because they’re wonderful.

So, Baby, you’re probably wondering what the point of this note is. Well, you’re about to enter this world, and maybe you won’t get to see your parents as David and I do, because they might be tired or busy, or because they’re your parents, so they can’t show you their fun side until you’re a mature adult. Or you might be a handful; we have no idea. But you should know you have incredible parents. And they love you. And we love you. And we’re excited to start new adventures with you in our couple’s clubhouse.

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To Wait or Not to Wait

After Saturday’s “Sketch-writing” competition, an organizer and an actor approached me about joining their sketch writing team. “Your sketch was spot on,” she said. “We’re a team of seven writers and a handful of actors, and that’s just the kind of dark humor we’re looking for.”

I didn’t think my sketch was particularly dark. I replied: “Yeah, if that’s the kind of piece you’re looking for, that’s totally the kind of brooding writer I am.”

She correctly interpreted this as a sign of my interest, and she continued, pointing to the gentleman next to her: “Sean here, is one of our actors.”

“I love writing sketches for Sean.” I said, “Sean doesn’t know me, so I realize this might sound odd or creepy, but I have watched him, and I write sketches with him in mind.”

Sean raised his eyebrow thoughtfully, “I’m more flattered than creeped out.” Classic Sean. What a guy.

“I just love his acting style,” I continued, justifying my writing methodology. Obviously I didn’t have to do that, but I wanted to, so she would understand I am a serious writer who could be part of their team.

Sean walked away.

The organizer continued, “We’re a committed group.”

“I’m committed too,” I said, hoping she didn’t think much of my choice of words, especially after that whole Sean weirdness.

“We have a google doc where we store all of our sketches and review them,” she explained.

“I think google docs are great,” I replied. “Great for collaboration.”

She nodded, “We do the whole thing: write, produce for web, practice for live performances. We think DC is ready for sketch. Are you interested in these other components? Acting, producing, or are you just interested in writing?”

“This sounds great,” I replied. “I’m interested in the other components, but I’m primarily interested in writing. I don’t project very well as an actor.”

“Me too,” she said. “I’m not so great at projecting.”

I nodded, because I had seen her perform.

“So let me get your email, and I will send you a note and details,” she said.

I was in. I was in. I was in. So I gave her my email. Then I said, “Do you want to give me your email, in case you don’t contact me?”

“No that’s okay, I just need your email,” she said.

“And you’ll definitely email me?” I asked.

“Yes…” she said.

And she hasn’t emailed me yet! I know I wrote down my email correctly, because I know my email address by heart, and I have extraordinary penmanship.

I don’t really know what to do: should I email her, or should I wait? I want to be part of a sketch-writing group!

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Security Clearance

I attended another sketch writing event. This event went much better than the first, and my sketch earned me four chuckles and several pats on the back. The actors who played the parts really brought it to life, so I take one-third the credit. The third-third for credit go to David and Mike, who helped with the idea.

Security Clearance

Setting: 2 People in a coffee shop. One is taking notes while the other is speaking casually.

Characters:

OPM Agent: Leading the meeting. He is older and has a friendly affect. Too friendly. He is trying desperately to make friends in the midst of his clearance meetings.

Chris: Late thirties male.

OPM AGENT
Chris …Smith. Is that your legal name?

CHRIS
Yes.

OPM AGENT
British?

CHRIS
I don’t know. Maybe at some point.

OPM AGENT
You just seem like someone who has nobility in his blood.

CHRIS
Um okay.

OPM AGENT
Well let’s move on. Thank you for agreeing to meet today, Chris. This is a security interview about Jeff Saunders. I should tell you that according to the FAR Privacy Act, Mr. Saunders does have a right to request a written copy of my notes from today.

CHRIS
That’s fine.

OPM AGENT
Okay good. Let’s begin. Chris, what is your relationship with Jeff Saunders?

CHRIS
I’ve known Jeff for 10 years. We were roommates in college.

OPM AGENT
How did you first meet?

CHRIS
We met at freshman orientation.

OPM AGENT
Would you say you were – fast friends?

CHRIS
I guess. We hit it off.

OPM AGENT
It’s nice to become fast friends with someone.

CHRIS
I guess so.

OPM AGENT
How often do you see Mr. Saunders now?

CHRIS
Around once a week.

OPM AGENT
Oh, I’m sorry he doesn’t make more time for you.

CHRIS
Well, it’s fine. We’re both busy.

OPM AGENT
I’d make time for you.

CHRIS
What?

OPM AGENT
How would you characterize Mr. Saunders?

CHRIS
He’s a good guy. He’s someone you can really count on.

OPM AGENT
Hmm. You’re nice.

CHRIS
What?

OPM AGENT
That’s nice. Mr. Saunders sounds like a nice guy.

CHRIS
Yea.

OPM AGENT
Do you get the sense Mr. Saunders lives within his means, financially?

CHRIS
Um, yeah.

OPM AGENT
Do you know if he has any debts?

CHRIS
He has some student loans, but that’s all.

OPM AGENT
Oh student loans. Don’t you wish you had a friend who didn’t go on and on about his loans?

CHRIS
He doesn’t talk about them that much.

OPM AGENT
I like to talk about sports. Sports, and the ladies, and Netflix documentaries.

CHRIS
I like Netflix documentaries.

OPM AGENT
(Chuckles.) Chris, let’s focus on Mr. Saunders right now.

CHRIS
Um, okay.

OPM AGENT
Does Mr. Saunders have any relatives or friends that are foreign nationals?

CHRIS
Not that I know of.

OPM AGENT
He’s probably hiding them from you.

CHRIS
Why would he do that?

OPM AGENT
Probably worried you would steal all his friends.

CHRIS
(Bashful) Not me.

OPM AGENT
What, a charming guy like you?

CHRIS
I don’t have a lot of friends.

OPM AGENT
Jeff’s probably holding you back.

CHRIS
What no, Jeff’s a great guy.

OPM AGENT
Would you trust him with matters of National Security?

CHRIS
Absolutely.

OPM AGENT
Would you trust him with matters of the heart?

CHRIS
What is that supposed to mean?

OPM AGENT
Is he someone you can trust?

CHRIS
Absolutely. Jeff’s a good guy. I’d trust him with anything.

OPM AGENT
Okay very good. Can you tell me more about the kind of people he spends time with. For example, what do you know about his best friend, Steve Richardson?

CHRIS
Steve isn’t his best friend. I’m his best friend. Steve’s his co-worker.

OPM AGENT
Mr. Saunders listed Steve as his closest friend.

CHRIS
There has probably been some sort of mistake.

OPM AGENT
Mr. Saunders listed him as the primary contact on his form and confirmed their friendship status during my initial interview with him.

CHRIS
(aghast)

OPM AGENT
They see each other at least twice a week.

CHRIS
(looks away in dismay)

OPM AGENT
Steve is Jeff’s emergency contact.

CHRIS
Steve is Jeff’s emergency contact?!

OPM AGENT
Yes.

CHRIS
Well maybe he can call Steve the next time he hits a pedestrian.

OPM AGENT
You mean like a light tap?

CHRIS
He didn’t even pay for my dry cleaning.

OPM AGENT
Is that related?

CHRIS
And maybe Steve can ghost-write his next Lord of the Rings Fan Fiction.

OPM AGENT
Why would you agree to ghost-write? You should sign your name to that.

CHRIS
Ugh. That’s the last time I buy Sudafed for that ingrate. STEVE IS HIS BEST FRIEND?

OPM AGENT
Hm. You don’t need Mr. Saunders anymore. How about we get a beer and watch some Netflix documentaries?

THE END

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On Discovering

I feel like the word “discovered” is used incorrectly a lot, by me. So when I use it I have to justify it immediately.
“I discovered a new soy-glazed salmon recipe…in my cookbook. Yes, it was a harrowing journey through the pages and I lived to tell the tale.”

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An Ode to David’s True Love

David I love your short curly hair
And your love for Star Trek is beyond compare.
At night you watch it and don’t make a peep
Then dream of Next Gen and smile in your sleep.

You first watched it when you were a young boy
And today still enjoy Deanna Troi.
Geordi, Crusher, Riker, Captain Picard
Make turning off the TV each night quite hard.

And the one you think is the very best –
Well you struggle with putting the issue to rest:
I picked up your phone when it was by the bed
“Data or Worf,” was the last page you read.

I like it too! Each story’s a surprise
When we’re following along on the Enterprise.
David, my love for you does truly grow
To watching Star Trek each night, I say, “Make it so.”

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Movie Review: Her

Her is about a divorcé who falls in love with his operating system. I would venture to guess it takes place some time between 1984 and 2029, as I believe it’s also part of the Terminator origin story.

This movie was really delightful. I give it eight ear buds.

ear-buds_8

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99% Postmortem

This past weekend I went to a sketch-writing-thing. People wrote sketches, and you could ask people to perform the sketches and get feedback to workshop your content. The original version of my sketch got one chuckle and some raised eyebrows. This motivated me to try again! I edited the sketch on the metro ride home, and I present to you the updated version of my first sketch: 99% Postmortem.

99% Postmortem

Setting: 4 people are gathered in a classroom or apartment condo. They are having a group meeting.

Characters:

Howard: Leading the meeting. He is older and a sociology professor.

Jennie: Twenty-something female who is sincere and chipper.

Gary: Granola thirty-something who may or may not be high and is a bit dirty.

Andrew: Uptight thirty-something. Tries to be nice but becomes more irritated as the meeting goes on.

Scene opens with people chatting, sitting in a circle. Howard calls the meeting to order.

HOWARD
I call this meeting of the 99% to order.

JENNIE
Um, there are only four of us here.

GARY
That’s because we’re no longer relevant, man.

ANDREW
Did anyone send an email to the distribution list?

GARY
We don’t keep lists, man. That’s 1 percenter speak.

HOWARD
He’s right. I posted about this on reddit.

GARY
I upvoted it.

HOWARD
Thank you, Gary. Yes, the post received 1 upvote. Ehem. I call this meeting to order. This is a post-mortem meeting. We need to discuss what went well and what could have used some improvement. Who would like to start?

ANDREW
(raises hand)

HOWARD
Ah yes, go ahead.

ANDREW
We did a really good job of gathering.

HOWARD
Yes. Fact. We gathered exceptionally well.

JENNIE
Yes, I learned about permits.

GARY
Permits were created by the man to give the working class a perception of freedom of speech.

ANDREW
That’s not true.

GARY
I, for one, swelled with pride when they called me a squatter.

HOWARD
(shakes head)
Let’s move on.

ANDREW
We made some great posters. They really resonated.

JENNIE
Absolutely. I learned how to leverage hemp rope, cardboard, permanent marker and glitter to make my words pop.

GARY
Way to go, MacGyver.
Posters were fine but our real strength was in our presence. Pitching tents was a good way to demonstrate to the world that we would no longer be suppressed by the walls of Wall Street. We don’t need brick houses.

ANDREW
What? No! Everyone needs brick houses. Or should have an equal opportunity to buy one.

GARY
Hey man, only pigs need brick houses. Don’t go spreading your upper class values where they’re not appreciated. Pig.

ANDREW
You grew up in a brick house.

JENNIE
Don’t throw that in his face.

GARY
Not cool, man.

HOWARD
Let’s move on. What could we have done differently?

ANDREW
I think if we had kept the tents in better condition, the media would have stuck around.

GARY
The media was created by the 1 percent to spout their vitriol.

ANDREW
They were on our side!

GARY
Sides are structural boundaries that cage people in.

JENNIE
I think you’re thinking of prisons.

ANDREW
Did you think you were in a prison when you defecated in front of the Channel 7 camera crew?

GARY
We had said that day we were going to shit on Wall Street!

HOWARD
That was a metaphor, son! A metaphor!

GARY
Metaphors are elitist, Dad!

HOWARD
You destroyed our campaign! We lost all credibility.

GARY
You never hugged me growing up!

HOWARD
(lunges at Gary)
I gave you everything!

JENNIE
I guess nepotism isn’t just a 1% problem.

THE END

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On The Hobbit 2: Desolation of Smaug

You know how all software developers became despondent after seeing The Social Network? They thought, “Why didn’t I build Facebook? I could have been a billionaire.” That’s how I felt after seeing The Hobbit 2. I thought, “Why wasn’t I born an elf? I could have been a skilled archer.”

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On Daily Goals

I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, my goals for the day have become less and less ambitious, but equally challenging. It used to be, “I plan to finish my to-do list by the end of the day and get a head start on tomorrow’s tasks.” Now it’s more like: “I’m going to try to not overeat at dinner tonight.”

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On Choosing a Career

I’m not saying I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am saying I don’t know how to make money…without working. Because that’s what I want to do with my life. My vision is clear. It’s the execution that is hazy.

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