I Am Cool Now – Page 19 – URLs don't change, but people do.

Looking Back: Me, 10 Years in the Making

Published January 7, 2015 by Editor in Chief

10 years later - still fits — 10 years later – still fits

I found my college ring today. As I gently pushed it onto my finger and declared proudly, “Still fits!” I reflected on the past 10 years.

Here are some things I would have said to younger me, 10 years ago:

1) You are going to earn a green belt in Tae Kwon Do. It may be your greatest accomplishment in the next 10 years.

2) Don’t worry. You will “use it before you lose it.” You’ll be closer to 30 than 20 though. IT’S OKAY, because it will be with your soul-mate.

3) Yes, yes, you meet your soul-mate. Calm down.

4) You know how you’re always worried your degree is useless? You’re right. The master’s degree you end up picking is also ridiculous. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

5) Keep writing.

6) You can’t cancel your gym membership by letting your credit card expire. They submit your information to collections. Gym memberships are impossible to cancel. It’s highway robbery, and once the government has solved the housing crisis, this should be next on the list.

7) Connor leaves you Catch-22 in his will, so don’t bother buying that book yourself.

8) You know Ryan, that guy you suspected was a Vampire first year of college? You two end up being good friends. You’ve only seen him in direct sunlight once though, and he looked VERY uncomfortable, so he is still not to be trusted.

9) Facebook is going to be even bigger than you thought it would be. And it’s not going to die when you thought it would die.

10) Try lots of things, especially improv. Go forth, young person.

And here are some things younger me would have said back.

1) What? How about some lottery numbers, b*tch!

2) Will I make a 30 under 30 list? Based on your Item 1, I’m guessing it’ s a resounding “No.”

3) I’m looking at you, and I can see our acne problem hasn’t gone away. Has science stalled on that front?

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Checking in With You

Published November 5, 2014 by Editor in Chief

I had my first stand-up performance at an open mic last month. It was exhilarating. All my friends and one stranger laughed. The stranger, a young woman who was probably high as a kite, said, “Oh my god I love her,” after one of my jokes. I said, “Thank you!” And I meant it. I should have said, “I love you too,” because that would have been polite.

They (people who talk about stand-up) say that you need to repeat your act and really hone in on the jokes. I bought some props I’m going to use for one joke, and I’ve written two new jokes I think I can clean up. Now I just have to work up the courage to attend another event!

My sketch career is also really blossoming. I recently wrote one that I’m especially proud of. I’m going to post it here. We haven’t performed it yet, but we will at the next show, I think.

I hope you can be happy for me, sweet blog. I’m not ignoring you because we’re not friends anymore. Rather, I’m not making time for you because there are more pressing matters I must attend to, namely my thriving comedy career. And you should be happy for me, because if I make it, that means we make it. That was the plan all along. You, me, and David, we’re going to be big stars.

Enjoy this sketch!

Setting: Bank
Ellen
Little Jane
Johnson (teller)
Manager (teller’s manager)
Bank Robber (female)

ELLEN
Sweetie, mommy just needs to order some new checks, and then we can go to the ice cream shop.

LITTLE JANE
Okay mommy, I’m going to order chocolate!

JOHNSON
Alright Ms. Applebaum, I’m going to finalize your request for new checkbooks and we’ll be all set.

BANK ROBBER
(charges in)
EVERYBODY GET DOWN! WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES CAN BE VERY EASY OR VERY DIFFICULT.

(everyone in line ducks down)

JOHNSON
Is this a robbery?

BANK ROBBER
YES! Put all the money available into this bag. If you don’t, I’m going to shatter this bank’s glass ceiling.

JOHNSON
(yelling) I believe you already have Miss! We have never had a female bank robber before.

ELLEN
(yelling, while down on the ground)
As the first female bank robber, you are going to be representative of all female bank robbers. (turns to little Jane)
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT IS FOR WOMEN TODAY JANE!

BANK ROBBER
GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY!

JOHNSON
Miss, please remain calm. I have to ask my manager to open the vault.

BANK ROBBER
FINE!

MANAGER
(enters)
Johnson, did you need my help with a customer?

JOHNSON
Yes, I have a woman here who is being very assertive, if you catch my drift.

MANAGER
I read you loud and clear Johnson, she is being a bitch. Women!

JOHNSON
No sir, she is trying to rob the bank.

MANAGER
Well, hm, bless her heart.

JOHNSON
I need you to open the vault sir.

BANK ROBBER
Or else I’ll shoot!

ELLEN
And don’t you think for a second about paying her less than you pay the other robbers!
(to Jane) Jane she worked just as hard as any male bank robber. She deserves that. But SHE has to ask.

BANK ROBBER
SHUT UP!

ELLEN
You’re right! I shouldn’t treat you differently! I’M SORRY!

(Robber runs around and grabs manager and holds gun to head.)

MANAGER
AHH! THIS WOMAN IS INSANE! There’s no reasoning with her. GIVE HER THE MONEY, JOHNSON!

JOHNSON
OKAY!

MANAGER
WAIT JOHNSON. I can’t be the first manager that was robbed by a woman.

BANK ROBBER
(shoots)

ELLEN
A WOMAN MURDERER!

BANK ROBBER
I am not the first woman murderer!

ELLEN
NOR SHALL YOU BE THE LAST!
(turns to daughter)
The point is that women can do any job they want to do.

JOHNSON
Here is all the money, and I’ve counted it for you.

BANK ROBBER
I CAN COUNT FOR MYSELF.

ELLEN
(to Jane) She’s probably a math major Jane. A whiz at calculus no doubt!

BANK ROBBER
(runs out)

ELLEN
WAIT! DO YOU THINK WOMEN CAN HAVE IT ALL!?

THE END

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Ze Ingrown Heir

Published September 9, 2014 by Editor in Chief

Zer iz an ingrown heir zat has been taunting me for a few days now. I finally gut it owt. Ze heir vaz so formidable, I considered keeping it as a zine of respect for its determination. But as I was looking at it, a gust of vind blew it away! Good bye, unlikely friend!

On related note, I have been verking on my accents. Vat you tink?

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Things to Know

Published August 13, 2014 by Editor in Chief

In light of recent events, specifically: I have a stye inside my lower eye-lid, which has made me think about my mortality; and Robin Williams passed away, which has flooded the internet with articles about comedians and depression, I feel inclined to write a post that is more personal than usual.

If this stye is to be the random-end-of-me, I want the world to know a couple things:

1) I was an aspiring comedienne, meaning I always wanted to make people laugh. Whether it was through writing, sketch, improv or standup, the vision/dream was always for people to engage with me and walk away smiling.

2) I am happy. And I am lucky. My parents have always been so kind and loving to me, my siblings have made it so that I always have a best friend around, my friends are awesome, and my David is…well when I think about David, I suspect that is the universe’s way of saying, “Hey there, I want you to feel warm, delighted, challenged, loved, and laugh all the time, so here is David. Look into his eyes and know happiness.”

Here is a picture of David.

What a stud! — Makes me happy every day.

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Military Strategy

Published July 1, 2014 by Editor in Chief

Sometimes I wonder what kind of military leader I would be. And then a little fly will swoop by, and I will murder it on the 20 percent chance that it might decide to bite me. And as I’m washing its blood off my hands, I’ll mutter, “This wouldn’t have happened if you had kept the battle outdoors, on your own soil.”

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How to Get a Mentor

Published June 30, 2014 by Editor in Chief

As you know, after my workshop last year, I was inspired to pursue sketch writing really actively. This past weekend I attended another workshop taught by not-my-mentor-yet-but-I-will-make-it-so-through-trickery-if-necessary.

During the workshop this weekend, I asked the instructor, Kevin McDonald from the Canadian 90s show, Kids in the Hall, what the next steps are. I told him that since the first workshop I took with him last year, I’ve been writing. He said the next steps are to re-write and ask people I trust to take a look and give feedback.

“I’ve re-written all my sketches seven times,” I said, without breaking eye-contact.

He continued, “Good, then you ask people in the industry, like me, to take a look.” This was the opening I had hoped for.

I said hesitantly, “Would you…look at my work?”

And he said, “Yes, because I know you, I remember you from last time, and you are funny. I will take a look.”

I was over the moon! I might have hopped giddily right in front of him.

Then I immediately said, “I have my portfolio here!” and reached into my bag.

He looked surprised and said, “Don’t give it to me now!”

And I was crestfallen.

He said, “Wait until the end of the day, so I don’t lose it between when you give it to me and when I go back.”

So then at the end of the day, I cornered him again! He said, “I’m going to watch soccer, give it to me tomorrow!”

So at the end of Sunday, I ran after him and asked for a picture and asked if I could give him my folder. He finally took it! Then someone else gave him something and said, “This is that thing we were talking about.” And Kevin put it into my folder. I hope he doesn’t confuse that one pager with my work! That would be a disaster! Who knows what was on that one-pager?!

I haven’t heard back yet, but it has only been 27 hours since I gave him my folder.

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A Deconstructed Joke

Published June 6, 2014 by Editor in Chief

Setup:
I’ve taken on several activities over the past few months, and I’m pleased to report I’m performing all of them at a mediocre level.

Punch line:
This suggests I’m ready for motherhood.

Explanation:
Mothers are always running around and unable to focus on one thing, according to mom blogs.

Thank you for reading. I’m here all night.

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Sketch Writing Has Been Going Terribly

Published May 16, 2014 by Editor in Chief

For my SNL sketch writing class, we were supposed to write a sketch at home, bring copies to class, ask a couple classmates to read the sketch aloud and get feedback. On the first day, my sketch had this line in it:

CUSTOMER 4
When I have a rough night, I request a gay, black paraplegic. Greta is a terrible driver. But she serves as a gentle reminder that I could have it worse. That keeps me grounded.

And there was a woman in the class who was an attorney for disability lawsuits. She was in a wheelchair. I was sitting right next to her. When it came time for my sketch to be reviewed, I just stared straight ahead and tried to avoid eye contact. The instructor muttered, “I don’t think that line is necessary,” after someone uncomfortably read it out loud. Then he shook his head at me.

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