Skip to content →

I Am Cool Now Posts

Catch-up

Published September 19, 2016 by Editor in Chief

My recent posts have been abysmal. This is not my fault. Just kidding, obviously it is.

Well it’s late September, and a lot has happened since the last online posting: I’ve done more stand-up, written more sketches, and practiced more tennis. I was also a groomsman in a wedding. I took this role really seriously, as I do any time I am appointed to stand by my friend’s side as a trusted friend to see them off into a lifetime of happiness. The ceremony was beautiful, and the bride and groom looked stunning. The speeches were also spectacular, and I captured them all on video. The only problem is that I’m not good at capturing video, so the quality of video is very poor.

Weddings are always a great opportunity to practice meeting new people. During the rehearsal dinner, I spoke with a lovely young woman and her husband rather extensively. We spoke about their custom wedding ring, the meal, how long they had been married, and shared compliments about the bride the groom. I was so pleased to have had a successful social encounter with new people.

The next day, I spoke with this woman again, and we talked about how great the wedding was. I also commented that the rehearsal dinner was top-notch as well, and she shared that she could not remember anything from the rehearsal dinner, because she was a high functioning narcoleptic. So even though she might have seemed awake, she was fast asleep for the entire event. I said, “Oh, but we had an extensive conversation yesterday!” and she said, “Did we?! I don’t remember any of it!” and laughed.

 

Leave a Comment

Where I am in life

Published August 13, 2016 by Editor in Chief

I’m at this odd point in my life where I like getting my hand stamped at bars, so people know I’m cool and I frequent places where people under 21 try to go, but are restricted.

But I also can’t leave the stamp on my hand, because my friends with kids won’t let me hold their babies if they suspect I’m bad at washing my hands.

hand-stamped

 

Leave a Comment

Re-tracing my steps

Published August 13, 2016 by Editor in Chief

When David goes out of town, I like to buy everything on our joint credit card, so he can re-trace my steps if anything should happen to me.

Today he called and asked, “Did you really go to Pinkberry four times yesterday?”

And I was like, “Are you judging me…. or confirming our credit card wasn’t stolen?”

Leave a Comment

Dungeons and Dragons

Published August 2, 2016 by Editor in Chief

I have joined a team of people to play Dungeons and Dragons, and there’s a 172 page manual you’re supposed to review beforehand.

Before the meeting, our Dungeon Master said we didn’t have to read it, but when I arrived at the first meeting where we declare our characters, class and race, it was instantly clear to me that everyone had done significant preparation work.

“That will be useful against the Drow,” said the Dungeon master, in response to one player’s suggestion. Everyone nodded as though that meant something to them.

 

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what I have selected for my character. Let me tell you: I’m a Barbarian High Elf. As a Barbarian, I’m not sure if I will select Path of the Ki Warrior or Path of the Shaman. “Why not Path of the Healer?” you ask. Well, good question. I think for the most part, it would be misguided of me to take on a role in the medicine space. What if I could not save my friends? I’d be devastated and unable to continue playing the game. The burden would be too much.

You’re probably also thinking, “A High Elf? You are the most grounded, open-minded writer I’ve ever read! You’re not one to look down on others!” Sure sure, this is a role play exercise though, so I thought I would dabble in superiority for a while. I suspect putting on airs might suit me just fine.

One Comment

How Do I Get Him to Notice Me?

Published June 17, 2016 by Editor in Chief

David is out of town. He never checks in when he’s out of town. I have access to his Amazon Prime account. I want to order a bunch of random stuff (rope, rubbing alcohol, industrial cleaner, a machete, trash bags) so he starts paying attention to me.

He’ll call and say, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Here’s how I envision the conversation.

(phone ring)
Me: Hi David!

Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: Missing you! What are you doing?

Him: No. Those purchases. Why did you make those purchases on my Amazon account.

Me: Hmm? Oh those! I can explain.

Him: Go ahead.

Me: I absolutely needed next day shipping, and you have Amazon prime.

Him: Why did you buy a machete?

Me: I’m just doing my usual thing when you’re out of town. Anyway! What are you up to? How is it going!?

Him: It’s going okay.

Me: I think it would be best if you told people you were in town hanging out with me this weekend. Gotta go! Love you! Can’t wait till you get back!

Leave a Comment

To De-clutter or Not to De-clutter

Published June 12, 2016 by Editor in Chief

I’m thinking about buying tights that can be used for exercise that also have some fun patterns. No firm decisions yet, just thinking about it.

In the interview President Obama had with Jimmy Fallon, he points out that the best time to be alive in history is now. I believe that to be true. In the early ’90s, tights with fun patterns were popular, but they weren’t used for exercise. I saw tights that also serve as reflectors the other day. So if you’re running at night, and there’s a car on the road, they will shine: stylish, safe, and fun.

The future is now.

Leave a Comment

A New Haircut

Published June 8, 2016 by Editor in Chief

I have always been interested in making myself a better version of myself. So I take haircuts very seriously, because if I look good on the outside, people think I am a better person on the inside too.

I’ve also always been interested in bangs. However, in the United States, when I go to salons, the conversation usually goes something like this:

Stylist: So what are you looking for today?

Me: I’d like a fresh new look.

Stylist: Oh, so like a bob or a short hair cut?

Me: No no, mother wouldn’t like me to cut my hair short.

Stylist: Okay, so maybe some layers.

Me: I want a fresh new look. I’m thinking: bangs.

Stylist: Long, side-swept bangs?

Me: No, real bangs.

Stylist: (looks uncomfortable) I wouldn’t recommend that for you.

Stylist: How about some highlights?

Me: No, mother does not want me to dye my hair.

And then after more back and forth, I get a trim and some layers.

Well, we were in Japan last week, and the Japanese excel in everything they do, so I knew it was time to get a haircut. I selected a salon from Time Out Tokyo, called Ridicule. With a name like that, I knew I was guaranteed a hip new look.

Here’s how the conversation went down.

Stylist: Irassyaimase!

Me: Konichiwa! Sumimasen, do you speak English?

Stylist: Very little.

Me: Arigatou, I was thinking about bangs.

Stylist: (blank look) Oh! Bangs! (frowns) (Says something in Japanese)

Me: Sumimasen. (I look sheepish)

Stylist: (takes out mobile phone, types in something, shows translation to me) “Do you know how to brush your hair.”

Me: Yes! (Did my hair not look brushed?)

Stylist: (hands me a magazine)

Me: (I flip to a page and point to a picture where the girl has bangs.)

Stylist: (Looks at picture, flips to a different one of a woman WITHOUT bangs, presents it to me.)

Me: (Shake my head, flip to a new picture of a girl, with bangs).

Stylist: Okay! (And smiles supportively.)

Anyway, here’s pretty much the outcome.

bangs-image

One Comment

Comment Card Feedback

Published May 29, 2016 by Editor in Chief

Hotel room cleanliness:

I popped a zit on my neck this morning, and because of the inconvenient angle, I briefly panicked that I would not be able to find the remnants. Fortunately, the bathroom was IMMACULATE, so I was easily able to spot my bacteria droppings and wipe them clean. Thank you to you and your staff for keeping the room pristine.

Leave a Comment

I Studied at Oxford

Published May 18, 2016 by Editor in Chief

I studied at Oxford University for a semester, so I bought a lot of hooded sweatshirts that say Oxford University on it.

The other day, I was wearing one of my Oxford hoodies, and I was worried no one would notice that I was academically accomplished. Luckily, someone did. A group of us were socializing after our team tennis match, and a gentleman with a British accent asked, “Oh! Did you attend Oxford?”

“Yes!” I replied.

“Me too!” he said.

I thought, “Uh oh, I hope he doesn’t start singing some alma mater. I’ll have to hum along giddily and pretend I know what it is.”

Luckily his next question was, “What college?”

“Exeter!” I replied.

“I was at Pembroke,” he said, “For my master’s.”

“Lovely! Me too!” I replied. And then I decided to share some information to demonstrate I had been there.

“I really like the pub in the college basement.”

“Hm.” He replied. And that was the end of our conversation.

I should have said, “I really liked the academic rigor.” Maybe a true Oxford grad would have said that.

Leave a Comment

The Difference Between Kids and Adults

Published May 17, 2016 by Editor in Chief

The difference between kids and adults is when you are a kid, you love getting gifts.

“I got you something!” elicits all sorts of excitement. Is it a toy, is clothes, is it movie tickets? What is it?! And it’s always awesome. You like whoever got you that gift. It’s the fastest way to your heart.

When you are an adult, and someone says “I got you something,” it’s different.

As an adult, I immediately think, “Why are you trying to destroy my balanced aesthetic? I have everything I need, and the only reason I do not have everything I want is that a giant marble fountain, sculpted in my image, would look excessive in my condo.”

Leave a Comment