Fiction 1: I’m Not Saying the House is Haunted

Look, I’m not saying the house behind us is haunted. I am saying that the crows maintain the gutter. The crows see the wet leaves piled up on the roof, blocking the gutter, and they move them. And then they fly away. So even though no one lives there, the house appears to be taken care of.

And I’m not saying there is a talisman buried beneath the house. I am saying that the house sold for $948,000, even though it is unlivable. The basement flooded, the windows are boarded, and the land is only worth $340,000 according to tax records.

I’m definitely not saying there is a wizard that visits the house. I am saying that the “developer” who keeps popping by wears a lot of purple. And purple is not a color most developers wear. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a purple shirt in a store window, or advertised online.

It would be irresponsible of me to say the developer wizard is a dark wizard. I honestly can’t tell if he’s a good wizard or a bad wizard, or a wizard at all. I can say that for a house that has a flood rating of a 7 out of 10, he appears super calm. I would be panicking constantly if I cared about the property. But this developer does not seem to mind at all. Almost as though the house doesn’t matter to him, only the talisman buried beneath the house that controls the crows. And maybe the water erosion is helping the talisman emerge from beneath the house. It’s cheaper for the erosion to unveil the talisman, rather than to dig up the site.

And if, hypothetically, the developer wizard can control the weather and is responsible for the rain storm we had last week, that would definitely be cheaper than demolition. Demolition requires permits. You don’t need county approval for causing inclement weather. Plus, he already spent a lot of money over-paying for the house.

I don’t believe the developer wizard has already unlocked some powers of the talisman. But I did just read a report that Joro flying spiders are going to descend onto our region this summer. “The spider gets its name from Jorōgumo or Yōkai, a Japanese spirit, which disguises itself as a beautiful woman to prey upon gullible men.” These two things can’t be related.

They can’t.