I’m thinking about buying tights that can be used for exercise that also have some fun patterns. No firm decisions yet, just thinking about it.
In the interview President Obama had with Jimmy Fallon, he points out that the best time to be alive in history is now. I believe that to be true. In the early ’90s, tights with fun patterns were popular, but they weren’t used for exercise. I saw tights that also serve as reflectors the other day. So if you’re running at night, and there’s a car on the road, they will shine: stylish, safe, and fun.
I popped a zit on my neck this morning, and because of the inconvenient angle, I briefly panicked that I would not be able to find the remnants. Fortunately, the bathroom was IMMACULATE, so I was easily able to spot my bacteria droppings and wipe them clean. Thank you to you and your staff for keeping the room pristine.
I studied at Oxford University for a semester, so I bought a lot of hooded sweatshirts that say Oxford University on it.
The other day, I was wearing one of my Oxford hoodies, and I was worried no one would notice that I was academically accomplished. Luckily, someone did. A group of us were socializing after our team tennis match, and a gentleman with a British accent asked, “Oh! Did you attend Oxford?”
“Yes!” I replied.
“Me too!” he said.
I thought, “Uh oh, I hope he doesn’t start singing some alma mater. I’ll have to hum along giddily and pretend I know what it is.”
Luckily his next question was, “What college?”
“Exeter!” I replied.
“I was at Pembroke,” he said, “For my master’s.”
“Lovely! Me too!” I replied. And then I decided to share some information to demonstrate I had been there.
“I really like the pub in the college basement.”
“Hm.” He replied. And that was the end of our conversation.
I should have said, “I really liked the academic rigor.” Maybe a true Oxford grad would have said that.
The difference between kids and adults is when you are a kid, you love getting gifts.
“I got you something!” elicits all sorts of excitement. Is it a toy, is clothes, is it movie tickets? What is it?! And it’s always awesome. You like whoever got you that gift. It’s the fastest way to your heart.
When you are an adult, and someone says “I got you something,” it’s different.
As an adult, I immediately think, “Why are you trying to destroy my balanced aesthetic? I have everything I need, and the only reason I do not have everything I want is that a giant marble fountain, sculpted in my image, would look excessive in my condo.”
Two nights ago, I dreamed I was looking at the Weather app on my phone and adjusting the background image from gray to a lighter shade of gray. I wasn’t quite satisfied with the shade of gray in the app, so I was going back and forth on it, in the dream.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m getting boring, and this dream was my brain’s way of saying, “Yes, you are. And maybe, maybe you always have been.”
I saw The Last Witch Hunter last night, and it reminded me of how awesome Vin Diesel is.
First, a movie review of The Last Witch Hunter:
The Last Witch Hunter is a movie about Vin Diesel, a cursed immortal man, who keeps the peace between humans and witches by acting as a watch dog. I don’t want to give anything away, so I’ll just say that it’s a phenomenal movie.
I give it 8 FLAMING SWORDS.
And now, a review of Vin Diesel’s website:
I ventured over to Vin Diesel’s website and was thrilled to see a link for Vin Diesel’s JOURNAL. I was like, “He keeps an online journal. Like me. That’s something Vin Diesel and I have in common. We are one and the same inside.” So I clicked on the link to the Journal, and it’s just a picture of him. I’ve made this image a clickable link to his website, so you can confirm for yourself.
Screen Capture
There are two logical explanations for this lack of content in his Journal section.
Explanation 1:
He didn’t build the site. It’s a template of some sort, and the site creators dreamed of populating it, and then they ran out of creative juju.
Explanation 2:
He posted in his journal, a lot. He started every morning alone with a cup of fresh squeezed orange juice, a wheat toast with some butter, a keyboard and his thoughts. Vin wrote and wrote, sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for two hours. The amount of time didn’t matter: what mattered was that he wrote every day. And then one day, he read The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Specifically, he came upon this passage:
“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.”
Vin Diesel was so struck by the eloquent prose, the story, and the greatest encapsulation what it is to love and die alone. He yelled, “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN!” and slammed down on the delete key with Vin Diesel force, and his journal was no more.
It’s probably Explanation 2. That’s okay, it frees him to focus on his acting.
I went to a going away party for Audrey yesterday, and it was really upsetting, because I was wearing this spectacular spring coat, and no one complimented me on it.
The event took place outside, and it was chilly out, so I was able to button up the coat to show off it’s asymmetrical closure. Still nothing.
I talked to seven people, in depth. I also talked to Audrey, of course. Not one single, “Hey, by the way, where did you get that stunning coat?”
I even threw out a whole, “Oh I’m so sorry I spilled cranberry juice on your shoes – they are so lovely! Where did you get those!?” to open a fashion discussion, but no takers.
I asked Kelli if her coat was from JCrew, she said no, but the conversation about coats ended there, and she somehow managed to shift discussion to Japan right after that. My coat isn’t from Japan, so that was annoying.
Jim just wanted to talk about the art of role playing and listening for professional development. During some parts of the conversation, I waved my hands around, to demonstrate how easy it was to move in the coat. Obviously that wasn’t the context I gave him, but he should have been able to pick that up from the conversation as well. Guess Jim isn’t as observant of people’s behavior as he thinks.
Andy told me about his family’s interest in tennis, because he heard I was a tennis player. That was a clear opening. He could have said, “Under that beautiful coat, I bet you have incredible muscle definition.” I would have said, “Yes, it is a beautiful coat, good eye, Andy.” But he didn’t say that. He shifted the conversation to baseball. I can’t really wear the coat to a baseball game, so that didn’t help. At all.
Tony and some other guy debated improv etiquette and finding “the game” during a practice session. They were lamenting players who derail scenes. I couldn’t jump in about my coat during that discussion, of course.
The bartender looked super disinterested in everything, and he was a smoker, so I didn’t want to stand around him long enough for him to compliment me on my coat anyway.
The second bartender should have noticed my coat though. Not cool.
Montreal offers several, shall I say, cultural advantages, that make it an ideal destination for a bachelor party. Here is an itinerary that will help men make the most of one final, wild weekend celebrating their buddy’s foray into a lifetime of spiritual and physical monogamy.
Friday 6pm: Arrive at the hotel
Relax Friday night because you’re in for an incredible weekend.
Since everyone will likely be arriving from different destinations, use Friday evening as an opportunity to check in to the hotel and regroup. Draw a nice bubble bath to cleanse yourself before a weekend of absolute debauchery. If two of you are sharing a room, sit on opposites sides of the bath tub to avoid awkwardness.
After that, get some rest. You need to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed for Saturday morning, if you catch my drift.
Hotel Gault
449 Rue Sainte-Hélène
Montréal, QC H2Y 2K9, Canada
Must appreciate: Relaxing in Old Montreal, a picturesque town that makes you feel like you’re in Paris.
The pastry offering at Olive and Gourmando, where you start the day.
Saturday 9am: Morning Libation
Get the groom pumped for the day by starting with a savory cappuccino or fresh brewed tea at Olive et Gourmando. This friendly restaurant offers incredible pastries and artisan coffee that is likely to stimulate all your senses.
Olive et Gourmando
351 Rue Saint Paul O
Montréal, QC H2Y 2A7, Canada
Must try: The granola – pick up some to nibble on throughout the day to keep the energy up as well. Make the best man carry the granola bag. It’s his duty.
Saturday 11:15am: Karaoke
It’s time to go hard, and karaoke at 11:15 on a Saturday morning is the best way to get everyone to loosen up. Belt out your favorite tunes at Club Date Piano Bar in Montreal’s Le Village.
Club Date Piano Bar
1218 Rue Sainte-Catherine E
Montréal, QC H2L 2G9, Canada
Must sing: Anything by Prince.
Saturday 2pm: Bagel Tasting
What better conversation than to explore subtle nuances between bagels? Pictured here, bagel with lox.
Montreal has awesome wood-fire baked bagels. It’s time for you and the boys to debate which is your favorite. Start with St. Viateur Bagel and Café. Pay careful attention to the bagel texture and flavor, because you’ll want to remember it 30 minutes later when you walk over to La Maison de L’Original Fairmount Bagel, a more casual bagel counter.
Bagel Stop 1
St. Viateur Bagel and Café
1127 Avenue du Mont-Royal E,
Montréal, QC H2J 1X9, Canada
Bagel Stop 2
La Maison de l’Original Fairmount Bagel
74 Avenue Fairmount O
Montréal, QC H2T 2M1, Canada
Must try: The Rosemary and Sea Salt flavor!
Saturday 3:30pm: Le Musee du costume et du textile du Quebec
Le Musée du costume et du textile du Québec vit une importante métamorphose en devenant le Musée de la mode. Cette nouvelle identité, plus en accord avec sa mission, contribue à rassembler les principaux acteurs du secteur de la mode à Montréal autour de ce lieu unique, créatif et évolutif.
Musée du costume et du textile du Québec
363, rue de la commune Est
Montréal, QC H2Y 1J3, Canada
Saturday 5:30pm: Sunset Hike up Le Mont Royal Et Ses Alentours
Climb to the top to see this view.
Time to walk off those bagel calories! Montreal has a beautiful replica of Central Park where all the local teenagers – all of them – gather on 4/20 to celebrate Bob Marley. Luckily that was on Wednesday this year, and today is Saturday, so the smoke has cleared and you can stroll to the peak of the park and sit down.
At this point, the best man should share his big surprise for the weekend: Commemorative monogrammed notebooks for journaling! Bask in the beautiful glow of introspection as you all jot down thoughts in this moment of quiet perfection.
Must try: Writing poetry. No one will judge you today.
Saturday 8pm: Dinner at Joe Beef
Sit back and let your tongue do the thinking as you take in the savory flavors at Joe Beef.
Joe Beef is that expensive hole-in-the-wall restaurant you have been desperately seeking to complete this perfect Saturday in Montreal. The drinks are on point, the service is fun, and the food is delicious. Get two desserts: it’s a weekend celebration.
Joe Beef
2491 Rue Notre-Dame O
Montréal, QC H3J 1N6, Canada
Must try: The foie gras.
Saturday 11pm: Bed Time
This isn’t your ordinary bed time. This is Montreal bedtime. All the men on the trip should tuck in the lucky bachelor. Read journal entries from earlier in the day as he drifts off into the most peaceful slumber.
Must try: A tall glass of water to avoid dehydration.
Sunday 11am: The Notre-Dame Basilica of Montreal
Start Sunday off right with a Catholic Mass at the Notre-Dame Basilica, built in the 1800s! You might be thinking, “We’re not all Catholic.” That’s okay, you’re there for the organ that was built in 1891 by the renowned Casavant brothers of Saint-Hyacinthe. The organ has 4 keyboards, 99 stops, and approximately 7,000 pipes. 7,000 PIPES.
There is a 9:30am Mass too, but you need to catch the 11am one because you can hear the organ and the choir. The choir is only at the 11am mass.
Notre-Dame Basilica
110 Notre-Dame Street West
Montreal, QC H2Y 1T1, Canada
7000 pipes. 7000 PIPES. You can’t even see them all.
Must appreciate: The sanctuary and the altar.
Sunday 1:30pm: Poster Shopping
Posters are beautiful expressions of art. Venture to Montreal’s favorite poster store to peruse and select a poster that you will all share, forever, a la sisterhood of the travelling pants. Prices range from $100 to thousands of dollars. The bachelor gets the poster first, but two months after the wedding he should give it to the best man, then the best man should send it to the most Asian guy, etc.
L’Affichiste
71 Rue Saint-François-Xavier
Montréal, QC H2Y 2T1, Canada
Must appreciate: Something from the year 2013
Sunday 4pm: Group cab ride to the airport
You have to take a cab, because Uber is forbidden in Montreal. Sort of. Uber operates in Montreal, but they’re not supposed to be operating there. Either way, this ride is a bittersweet one, because it’s the beginning of the end of the most magical weekend you’ve had in a long time.
Cab ride pro-tip: Speak to your driver in French – it’ll be the last chance you have to practice the language. Airport personnel have no patience for your bumbling display of high school French class mediocrity.
Sunday 7pm: Eat smoked meat sandwich at the airport
In addition to stellar bagels and rock star granola, Montreal offers delicious cured meats. Pick up a fresh sandwich at the airport and be floored by your best airport dinner ever. As you take a bite out of your sandwich, turn to your fellas, and nod. They’ll understand.
Smoked meat is the thing to get in Montreal. Delic!Leave a Comment
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Published May 29, 2016 by Editor in Chief
Hotel room cleanliness:
I popped a zit on my neck this morning, and because of the inconvenient angle, I briefly panicked that I would not be able to find the remnants. Fortunately, the bathroom was IMMACULATE, so I was easily able to spot my bacteria droppings and wipe them clean. Thank you to you and your staff for keeping the room pristine.
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