URLs don't change, but people do.
I’ve been thinking about donning a beret.
A beret would let people know that I am an artiste.
Without a beret, I am nothing.
A beret is not enough. I also need…a scarf.
And glasses – thick-rimmed ones, that assist me with reading intellectual texts.
And most importantly, I must have a beard to stroke.
Perfect.
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This is Mike.
He is tall, Sara’s husband, and David’s best friend.
I’ve also met Mike’s mom.
Mike’s mom is tall, Sara’s mother-in-law, and David’s best friend’s mother.
Me: David did you read my blog today?
David: …no….
Me: Did you read it yesterday?
David: …no…Did you write a really good post?
Me: No, but Mike reads my blog almost every day.
David: MIKE IS ALWAYS MAKING ME LOOK BAD!
Me: mmHmm
3 CommentsI’ve really done it this time – totally crossed the line.
That’s right. I have managed to rack up roughly $1.80 in overdue book fees. I’m disappointed in myself for it. I could have easily avoided this by being more responsible and staying on top of the book due dates. But did I do that? NO. I thoughtlessly went about my days with a complete disregard for the library books I had checked out over three weeks ago.
Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the library and apologize. I will also pay the fees.
Here is how the conversation will go.
Me: Librarian, who is your leader?
Librarian: How can I help you?
Me: Are you the one in charge of this branch?
Librarian: Well no, but is something wrong?
Me: YES.
Librarian: Okay, well how can I help you.
Me: Well, a little over three weeks ago, I checked out this book. Then, I read it. [look around nervously] After reading it, I put it on the ground, and did not look at it again- for two weeks.
Librarian: [gasps] Someone else might have wanted to read that book.
Me: I KNOW! Don’t you think I knew that? Don’t you think I thought about that every day? And every night, that thought didn’t haunt my darkest hours?
Librarian: You’ll have to pay a fine.
Me: A PIDDLING FINE! Hardly enough to atone for my crime! [crying] WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Librarian: Shhh. Miss, please lower your voice, this is a library.
Me: Did you just shh me?
Librarian: It is a library…
Me: [indignant] I don’t need to take this kind of behavior from you. I have a Kindle!
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Well, big news today. I can FINALLY buy a school book on my Kindle. None of my other books for school were available on the Kindle!
Yes, yes, I’ll wait until you stop gushing. It’s true, I have a Kindle. I read an electric machine. My odds of getting a paper cut from turning a page are less than yours, because you still read primitive, paper-based books.
Actually, I’ve slowly started to realize there aren’t many perks to a Kindle. I can’t really recommend books I’ve read on the Kindle to other people, because I am not able to let them borrow the actual book when I’m done reading it. Conversations around Kindle book recommendations end up going a little like this:
“Oh my gosh. I just read this awesome book. And I finished the book… probably won’t read it again for a while, if ever, and NO! You can’t borrow it. Buy your own g*ddamn copy!”
People assume I’m really protective of publishers’ rights, but that’s not the case at all. There’s just no way for me to share my digital copy. If I could, I would share books all day long.
The coolest thing about my Kindle is talking to other Kindle users about it. Here’s how that conversation goes:
Them: Yeah so I read it on my Kindle, no big deal. I have a Kindle. Did you hear me? I have hardware to read books.
Me: Oh hey! Me too!
Them: You?
Me: Totally, do you have a DX too?
Them: Well…no just a regular one.
Me: Oh. Hm. That makes me a more sophisticated reader I suppose.
Them: (defeated look)
Anyway, I’m going to buy my book on the Kindle, and I’m going to read it, and then, I’m going to take my Kindle to class, and when people reference certain page numbers to provide evidence for their claims, I’m going to angrily throw my Kindle across the room because there are no page numbers on a Kindle!
Where was I? Oh yes, I’m going to buy my book on the Kindle and have the book right away, no more hidden shipping costs or having to wonder when my book will arrive. I will have my book, and it will be glorious, because when the class is done, keeping the book won’t really take up any space! It’ll be stored compactly against all of my other awesome, instantaneous reads.
So there you have it: the pros and cons of a Kindle presented in a compelling narrative format.
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Blog, listen up. I was going to read myself to sleep, but I’ve just seen something so upsetting that I had to share it with you immediately.
So, for the past few days, Weezer ballads have been playing on repeat in my head. Specifically, I’ve been replaying “Perfect Situation” and “Keep Fishin’ “ Are you familiar with them? They’re beautiful.
This evening, I was thinking about Keep Fishin’. I realized I don’t really know all the words to the song, so I looked up the lyrics. I googled “Weezer Keep Fishin’ lyrics” and clicked on the first link that came up: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Keep-Fishin’-lyrics-Weezer/2B9D5E0F0138E37E48256BA0001041B2
So I read the lyrics, said, “Oohhh, that’s what he’s saying. Okay okay. What a great song.” Then I scrolled to the bottom of the page. There’s a section titled Review about Keep Fishin’.
I’m pasting the review here:
😀 | Reviewer: Vex | 7/28/2007
I really love this song. It puts me in a real uplifted mood and like helps cheer me up when im down. The title explains itself: Keep Fishin’. It kinda sybolises with the ending of relationships. It shows that though the fish has gotten away, if you keep fishin’ you’ll find the fish that you can catch.
If you get my dig.
Keep Fishin’ = [LUV]
Blog, you deserve a play-by-play of how I read this:
Reviewer: I really love this song.
Me: ME TOO! IloveitIloveitIloveit!
Reviewer: It puts me in a real uplifted mood and like helps cheer me up when im down.
Me: Well, okay, I can see that, but I prefer listening to it when I’m like down.
Reviewer: The title explains itself: Keep Fishin’.
Me: Yes, a deftly determined title indeed.
Reviewer: It kinda sybolises with the ending of relationships.
Me: Oooh. Sybolises – let’s look that word up…and no, it is apparently not a word.
Reviewer: It shows that though the fish has gotten away, if you keep fishin’ you’ll find the fish that you can catch.
Me: NEIN! That is NOT THE MEANING OF THE SONG, VEX. That is not what it sybolises!
Reviewer: If you get my dig.
Me: Is that even an expression? What does that expression sybolise? Does it sybolise someone digging in the ground, and if you keep digging, you will get the dirt that you can dig?
Reviewer: Keep Fishin’ = [LUV]
Me: Thank you for that final piece of clarification, Vex.
Anyway, after reading the review, I was really devastated, because apparently I had misunderstood the song all along. So I began this blog post. Now, however, as I think about the song more, I realize that like all music, every one gets what they want out of it, even if it’s the same four lines over and over again. Vex, you keep fishin’. I dig.
Weezer’s Keep Fishin’ Music Video
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This past weekend I saw Zombieland, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. Throughout the movie, Jesse Eisenberg, aka Columbus, shares his rules for how to avoid being killed by zombies.
After seeing the movie, I knew what I had to do.
Buy tall leather boots.
While my companions viewed the movie as a delightful romantic-horror-comedy, I saw the movie for what it really was: instructional. I took detailed mental notes in every scene, filing away information Columbus didn’t think worthy of highlighting, but I knew would be valuable in the (God-forbid) event of a zombie takeover.
The most important implicit take-away I had from the movie was that if you’re a woman, you need to have awesome tall boots to adequately shoot and kick zombies. Wichita was wearing tall leather boots and skinny jeans, and clearly, it is imperative that I too have such boots and jeans to adequately ward off zombies.
Boots are not easy – you have to find boots that are fashionable, but also weather resistant and capable of supporting your ankles should you need to sprint and jump hurdles to avoid zombies.
There’s one more thing that makes boot shopping tricky – salespeople. I was shocked during my Saturday shopping excursion to find the salespeople ill-equipped to answer the most obvious of questions regarding the boots.
Me: Yes, I see there is a two inch heel on this shoe, which is great for making my thighs appear slim, but will these heels withstand the impact of leaping off of the top of say…a two story building? Nothing excessive – just two stories. It would be preferable if upon landing I was able to continue running. Could I keep running in these boots?
Salesperson: (stare)
Me: Okay, well how about a one story building? And, forget the running, just an injury free landing would be great.
Salesperson: I can check to see if the boots come with a warranty.
Me: That would be great. Thank you.
Anyway, now I have awesome tall boots.
Next on my list is awesome skinny jeans. Stay tuned.
Leave a CommentBig news this week. Connor got dumped.
As a seasoned dumpee, I feel it’s my duty to make him feel better about the whole thing. And I will. Through this entry. You’re welcome, Connor.
First, let’s do a re-cap for anyone who doesn’t know the details. Connor, please correct if I’m wrong.
Who: Connor
What: Got dumped.
Where: Over Facebook IM. (Can you believe it?! I didn’t even know people actually used Facebook’s IM capabilities, let alone for such gripping conversation.)
When: Tuesday night
Why: Well, I can’t be sure, but I can speculate through a top ten list.
TOP TEN REASONS CONNOR PROBABLY GOT DUMPED
10. Connor drowns his sorrows in the devil’s liquid. That’s right, Connor drinks too much coffee.
9. Connor is inept with technology. He doesn’t understand how email works.
8. Connor leaves long voicemail messages, eating up precious cellular minutes. Most of the time, the message is incoherent and lacks a call-to-action.
7. Connor is an exceptional knitter. This can be bothersome to women who do not want to wear the scarves he knits for them.
6. Connor hates Lifehouse and Coldplay, which suggests he lacks two ears and a heart.
5. Connor recently started watching the CBS reality show, Big Brother. (snicker)
4. She’s just not that into him. (Add your story to the widget Connor!)
3. Sometimes Connor takes his affinity for robots too far, harassing real robots who have to make a living. Here is video taken from a trip to France, in which Connor tries to prove he is a better robot.
2. Connor is constantly telling David to “get out while he still can.”
And the number one reason Connor probably got dumped…
1. Overall lack of fashion sense.
So Connor, enough speculation, now it’s time for some advice. Right now, you’re asking yourself, “Will the pain ever stop?”
The answer is a clear, resounding, “No.” She was probably the one. You can never do better, and you never will. Your future is fated to eating ice cream and watching Big Brother’s compelling plot unfold. Maybe you’ll pretend you’re in the house too, talking to fellow cast members about how they aren’t doing their dishes as promptly as you had hoped. Who knows?
There are a few things you can do. You can continue to update your blog, as it is your one redeeming quality. Or Connor, you can embrace the church. Finally, you can compose music, inspired by your pain and driven by your loneliness. It worked for Alanis Morisette and Avril Lavigne, so it should work for you too.
There are few things I can do too. In addition to this thoughtful entry, I will send you a mix CD, comprised entirely of James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat 18 times. The CD will be titled, “Don’t Jump, Connor.” It will soothe your heart – the pieces that remain anyway – and console your mind.
Stay strong, friend.
2 CommentsYesterday I resolved to buy a mouse for my Macbook. I went to the student bookstore, in search of a good student discount. When I got there, I saw that a Mac mouse would cost $49.99.
“Outrageous!” I thought to myself. “I can pay for almost 250 messages, outside of a text plan, with that kind of money. Or, I could cover texting for the next 10 months at a rate of $5/month.”
Then I thought, “Well, I’m going to have the mouse for more than 10 months.”
But then, I became an indignant consumer. “A Mac mouse only has one button. Why am I paying $50 for ONE button? It’s like paying $50 to rest my hand on a random block that has gliding capabilities.”
As I stood there, making faces at the Mac mouse box, a salesperson approached – no, wait, more like an angel descended upon me, granting me salvation I may not have deserved. She spoke. “You know, those mice work with a Mac too” pointing to another row of mice.
I looked up. Could this be true? “You mean, these cheaper ones will work on my Macbook?”
“Yep,” she replied.
“Well, how come all the Mac users I see use Mac mice?” I asked. She shrugged. Lemmings!
This tale has a happy ending, dear blog. I bought a wireless mouse for only $29.99! And, it can work on the Mac and on the Lenovo. Isn’t that great news! Blog, I knew you’d like this story. You’re welcome.
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