Category: Social Life

Checking in With You

Published November 5, 2014 by Editor in Chief

I had my first stand-up performance at an open mic last month. It was exhilarating. All my friends and one stranger laughed. The stranger, a young woman who was probably high as a kite, said, “Oh my god I love her,” after one of my jokes. I said, “Thank you!” And I meant it. I should have said, “I love you too,” because that would have been polite.

They (people who talk about stand-up) say that you need to repeat your act and really hone in on the jokes. I bought some props I’m going to use for one joke, and I’ve written two new jokes I think I can clean up. Now I just have to work up the courage to attend another event!

My sketch career is also really blossoming. I recently wrote one that I’m especially proud of. I’m going to post it here. We haven’t performed it yet, but we will at the next show, I think.

I hope you can be happy for me, sweet blog. I’m not ignoring you because we’re not friends anymore. Rather, I’m not making time for you because there are more pressing matters I must attend to, namely my thriving comedy career. And you should be happy for me, because if I make it, that means we make it. That was the plan all along. You, me, and David, we’re going to be big stars.

Enjoy this sketch!

Setting: Bank
Ellen
Little Jane
Johnson (teller)
Manager (teller’s manager)
Bank Robber (female)

ELLEN
Sweetie, mommy just needs to order some new checks, and then we can go to the ice cream shop.

LITTLE JANE
Okay mommy, I’m going to order chocolate!

JOHNSON
Alright Ms. Applebaum, I’m going to finalize your request for new checkbooks and we’ll be all set.

BANK ROBBER
(charges in)
EVERYBODY GET DOWN! WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES CAN BE VERY EASY OR VERY DIFFICULT.

(everyone in line ducks down)

JOHNSON
Is this a robbery?

BANK ROBBER
YES! Put all the money available into this bag. If you don’t, I’m going to shatter this bank’s glass ceiling.

JOHNSON
(yelling) I believe you already have Miss! We have never had a female bank robber before.

ELLEN
(yelling, while down on the ground)
As the first female bank robber, you are going to be representative of all female bank robbers. (turns to little Jane)
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT IS FOR WOMEN TODAY JANE!

BANK ROBBER
GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY!

JOHNSON
Miss, please remain calm. I have to ask my manager to open the vault.

BANK ROBBER
FINE!

MANAGER
(enters)
Johnson, did you need my help with a customer?

JOHNSON
Yes, I have a woman here who is being very assertive, if you catch my drift.

MANAGER
I read you loud and clear Johnson, she is being a bitch. Women!

JOHNSON
No sir, she is trying to rob the bank.

MANAGER
Well, hm, bless her heart.

JOHNSON
I need you to open the vault sir.

BANK ROBBER
Or else I’ll shoot!

ELLEN
And don’t you think for a second about paying her less than you pay the other robbers!
(to Jane) Jane she worked just as hard as any male bank robber. She deserves that. But SHE has to ask.

BANK ROBBER
SHUT UP!

ELLEN
You’re right! I shouldn’t treat you differently! I’M SORRY!

(Robber runs around and grabs manager and holds gun to head.)

MANAGER
AHH! THIS WOMAN IS INSANE! There’s no reasoning with her. GIVE HER THE MONEY, JOHNSON!

JOHNSON
OKAY!

MANAGER
WAIT JOHNSON. I can’t be the first manager that was robbed by a woman.

BANK ROBBER
(shoots)

ELLEN
A WOMAN MURDERER!

BANK ROBBER
I am not the first woman murderer!

ELLEN
NOR SHALL YOU BE THE LAST!
(turns to daughter)
The point is that women can do any job they want to do.

JOHNSON
Here is all the money, and I’ve counted it for you.

BANK ROBBER
I CAN COUNT FOR MYSELF.

ELLEN
(to Jane) She’s probably a math major Jane. A whiz at calculus no doubt!

BANK ROBBER
(runs out)

ELLEN
WAIT! DO YOU THINK WOMEN CAN HAVE IT ALL!?

THE END

Hello Baby!

Published April 2, 2014 by Editor in Chief

Hello Baby!

Today is April 2, 2014, and your mom and dad are at the hospital waiting for you to be born. They were admitted to the delivery room around 5:30am. Mike, your father, is usually awake around this time, I think, so it sounds like you two are already on the same schedule.

You are being born to two wonderful people, who are so excited to have you. You have been super loved from the very beginning. And you were conceived out of love too, as I suspect you were conceived on my birthday, a day we always like to celebrate with your mom and dad. Nobody has confirmed or denied this, but I know it to be true.

Now, by the time you’re old enough to read this, around two, I presume, you may be pre-occupied with worldly matters, but I want you to know about your parents too! So here’s a short list:

– Your parents are fun, in the best way possible. They laugh a lot, and they make clever jokes. They once formally invited David over to cultivate their land, after David expressed interest in agriculture. They have taken us apple picking many times, and the trips were always full of laughter. The first time we went on our apple picking trip, Mike pulled down a branch so Sara could pluck the apple. That was fiercely romantic. There was also talk of a meat-bomb, which threw your father and David into fits of laughter, but Sara and I agreed this was a curious phenomenon that only they would share.

– Your parents are kind. In addition to volunteering, they are so quick to help out people who need a hand.

– Your parents are really good looking. Not all parents are good looking. As a child, I was confused when I met children with unattractive parents. I didn’t know that was a thing, as I too was blessed with good-looking parents. So, it’s best you learned now: your parents are better looking than other parents. Keep that information to yourself though; it’s rude to point it out.

– Your parents are smart and hardworking. Sara educated us about farm-raised eggs. Mike knows so much about cars. And both of them understand jokes: subtle and not subtle ones, very quickly. They also have a great work ethic. Seven years ago, they were not long-distance runners, but they trained and practiced, and now are incredible athletes, because they worked really hard at it together. I think Sara runs an 8 minute mile, which is ridiculous.

– Your parents are super sweet. This past weekend, they had us over for pizza and ice cream, and let us stay late to watch the UVA vs. Michigan State basketball game, even though they were really tired and do not care about basketball. And then during half-time, they set up their TV so we could show them two commercials that were not as wonderful as we had built them up to be. And they did this with a smile on their faces the whole time, because they’re wonderful.

So, Baby, you’re probably wondering what the point of this note is. Well, you’re about to enter this world, and maybe you won’t get to see your parents as David and I do, because they might be tired or busy, or because they’re your parents, so they can’t show you their fun side until you’re a mature adult. Or you might be a handful; we have no idea. But you should know you have incredible parents. And they love you. And we love you. And we’re excited to start new adventures with you in our couple’s clubhouse.

To Wait or Not to Wait

Published March 4, 2014 by Editor in Chief

After Saturday’s “Sketch-writing” competition, an organizer and an actor approached me about joining their sketch writing team. “Your sketch was spot on,” she said. “We’re a team of seven writers and a handful of actors, and that’s just the kind of dark humor we’re looking for.”

I didn’t think my sketch was particularly dark. I replied: “Yeah, if that’s the kind of piece you’re looking for, that’s totally the kind of brooding writer I am.”

She correctly interpreted this as a sign of my interest, and she continued, pointing to the gentleman next to her: “Sean here, is one of our actors.”

“I love writing sketches for Sean.” I said, “Sean doesn’t know me, so I realize this might sound odd or creepy, but I have watched him, and I write sketches with him in mind.”

Sean raised his eyebrow thoughtfully, “I’m more flattered than creeped out.” Classic Sean. What a guy.

“I just love his acting style,” I continued, justifying my writing methodology. Obviously I didn’t have to do that, but I wanted to, so she would understand I am a serious writer who could be part of their team.

Sean walked away.

The organizer continued, “We’re a committed group.”

“I’m committed too,” I said, hoping she didn’t think much of my choice of words, especially after that whole Sean weirdness.

“We have a google doc where we store all of our sketches and review them,” she explained.

“I think google docs are great,” I replied. “Great for collaboration.”

She nodded, “We do the whole thing: write, produce for web, practice for live performances. We think DC is ready for sketch. Are you interested in these other components? Acting, producing, or are you just interested in writing?”

“This sounds great,” I replied. “I’m interested in the other components, but I’m primarily interested in writing. I don’t project very well as an actor.”

“Me too,” she said. “I’m not so great at projecting.”

I nodded, because I had seen her perform.

“So let me get your email, and I will send you a note and details,” she said.

I was in. I was in. I was in. So I gave her my email. Then I said, “Do you want to give me your email, in case you don’t contact me?”

“No that’s okay, I just need your email,” she said.

“And you’ll definitely email me?” I asked.

“Yes…” she said.

And she hasn’t emailed me yet! I know I wrote down my email correctly, because I know my email address by heart, and I have extraordinary penmanship.

I don’t really know what to do: should I email her, or should I wait? I want to be part of a sketch-writing group!