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Category: Social Life

David and Football

Published October 19, 2010 by Editor in Chief

David I love your short curly hair
And for football you so very much care
I sit there and ask, “Can we go for a walk?”
“Wait what?! Football is on!” I hear you balk.

“But the weather’s so nice,” I pout and I beg.
But you will not move, not a single leg.
You set up your multiple football screens
In spite of my nagging, glares and pleas.

“I’ll take a walk at half-time,” you compromise
But you’re not interested, I quickly surmise.
And I’m crushed – it seems you love me so little
To football apparently I play second fiddle.

But that’s okay, I’m an adult and I’m stable
And I’ll use today to lobby for a new coffee table
And I’ll get my way in future discussions on decor
Because you’ll have to prove that you love me more.

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David’s Shirt

Published September 13, 2010 by Editor in Chief

David I love your big curly hair.
And that grey flannel shirt, you love to wear,
It’s your ugliest shirt, by very far.
But you insist on wearing it, it’s so bizarre.

I say to you, “Hmm, you’re wearing this shirt.”
You reply, “All the others, are full of dirt.
It’s my only clean shirt, today I must wear it,”
“No!” I reply, “I cannot bear it!”

“David this shirt does not flatter your figure,”
“Dear God,” you reply, “Am I getting bigger?!”
“No, no, it’s not that,” I stammer and stutter,
“It’s…it’s just a weird shirt,” I poorly sputter.

“Well I like it, there’s nothing you can do,”
And as I write this post I know it’s true.
That ugly shirt – it’s here to stay.
It’ll probably grow old with us; you’ll wear it each day.

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An Ode to David

Published August 20, 2010 by Editor in Chief

David I love your big, curly hair.
I love how when you’re annoyed, you glare.
You throw your arms up, you say “How can this be?
Why must you always dilly – dally?”

Then you tilt your head to the side and give me a smile,
And you don’t seem to mind I’ve taken a while.
You say, “Okay let’s just go,” as you rush towards the door –
“Wait!” I reply, “Can I have five minutes more?!”

“What are you doing?!” You yell, surprised every time!
I respond, “Putting on make-up, so I look sublime!”
Then you sigh, and say, “Fine, just hurry, we have go.”
David, we’re not all naturally pretty like you, you know.

When we walk out the door, I ask, “Are you really mad?”
And you reply, “No, this isn’t that bad.”
“Plus I knew you were going to be late,
So I told you 7:30, but the reservation’s for 8.”

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A Modern Cyrano De Bergerac

Published August 5, 2010 by Editor in Chief

In an effort to use my powers for good, I’ve been helping my lonely friend Connor* write letters to prospective partners on match.com. It hadn’t been going well until a few days ago, when he finally received a response! “Excellent!” I thought to myself, “A woman who appreciates fine writing.”

They went on their first date, and presumably things went pretty well.

This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. When Connor asked this woman for a follow-up date, she responded in a cool manner:

Connor,
I already have plans this weekend.
Thanks,
Heather

Being no stranger to the game hard-to-get, I knew what Connor had to do. He had to send a follow up email to demonstrate that he was interested. Here is what I recommended he write:

My Dearest Heather,

Crestfallen and distraught are the only words that can describe my feelings right now as I read and reread your ambivalent response. I can only presume you have plans this weekend because you did not feel the fiery connection I felt during our Tuesday rendezvous. Had you felt the same way I had, you would have no doubt canceled everything in hopes that we could spend all of our free time in the coming days, weeks, months, and years together.

Why have you forsaken me? Was it what I was wearing? I will burn that outfit. I thought I was a perfect gentleman: I walked on the outside, I politely looked away when you drooled a little on your napkin, and I did not make advances that may make my lady blush. If you feel that was not the case, please do me the honor of giving me a second chance. How does your schedule look next week?

Connor

Connor reviewed the email, but decided it was not the best approach to winning her over.

*Names changed. I randomly selected a name to place here. It was completely random.

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The blink tag

Published July 30, 2010 by Editor in Chief

Me: David, David listen to this song. What do you think of it?
David: What is this for?
Me: Our wedding website – it will automatically begin to play in the background whenever someone navigates to the site.
David: (silence)
Me: And…I was thinking we would have our names at the top of the site, but they would be blinking.
David: (more silence)
Me: There’s a blink tag you know. You can make words just blink.
David: (continued silence)
Me: It’s very beautiful.
David: No.

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All in a day's work

Published July 29, 2010 by Editor in Chief

Picture me standing in line at the CVS, on the phone, chatting with David about the gripping conclusion to The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. This older fellow, also on the phone, comes up to me and says, “Excuse me, how do you spell debris?” Upon realizing I’m on the phone, he whispers, “Oh no! I didn’t realize you were were on the phone!”

Without pausing, I wave my hand as if to say, “No matter,” and I spell, “D-E-B-R-I-S.”

He says, “I-S?” in disbelief, and I reply, “I-S” with confidence, and then he says “Thank you” and runs off.

David asks, “Who are you there with?” and I say, “No one, a stranger just asked me how to spell debris.”

Then I looked around at the crowded CVS line, as if to say, “Did you all see that?! Did you all see how I spelled something correctly? He could have asked anybody how to spell that word, but no, clearly he spotted me, accurately pegged me as someone with great acumen, and I delivered.”
I felt like such a rock star! No, wait, heroine, is probably a more accurate description. He looked pretty frantic when he asked the question, so perhaps the spelling was a matter of life and death, as it usually is. Good thing he came to me. The guy two spots ahead in line who was glaring at me for talking on my cell phone probably wouldn’t have been able to spell the word at all.

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Fever

Published July 16, 2010 by Editor in Chief

I have a fever, and the only cure is…..

…..

more Justin Bieber.

When I first heard Justin Bieber, I thought, “Who is this young artist with such a captivating voice? Surely just another fly-by-night pop sensation. I’ll pay him no mind.” But as I hear more and more of his ballads, as his voice echoes in my mind, as his lyrics hold a mirror up to my heart, I realize that Justin Bieber is here to stay. Like Madonna.

Now, this the second post in which I have featured Justin Bieber. I suspect that in addition to turning this blog into an elaborate shrine to Justin Bieber, there is also a good chance I will request no less than five Bieber songs to be played on repeat during our wedding celebration. David will protest, but I feel strongly about this.

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Hmm. Funny.

Published July 9, 2010 by Editor in Chief

While usually I hate saying anything nice about Connor, I will make an exception today:

What Connor lacks in personality and looks, he makes up for in writing.

It’s true, Connor wrote something that made me laugh out loud. Here is the context. There’s this song I like, by Mike Posner, called “Cooler Than Me.” You can listen to it here:

David hates this song. I played it for him, he thought about it, and then he finally said, “I’m sorry. I would rather listen to someone scrape their fingernails against a chalkboard.”

I shared the song with Connor, and he also hated it. He wrote,
I would rather listen to you talk about your decision process in purchasing one of your new outfits, rather that listen to that crap-ass song:

“You see, originally I was going to get a black blouse with a white skirt. BUT then I saw this black skirt that I absolutely fell in love with (because I don’t have that many of those). And then I wondered what would go with a black skirt? And the answer was obvious: a white blouse! But then I noticed the skirt actually had some CHARCOAL in it, which is normally too glitzy for me, but I was feeling adventurous that day so I bought it anyways.”

Connor’s response is poking fun at my affinity for wearing black and white clothing. He’s a fool, however, because black and white clothing is beautiful. Nevertheless, I laughed out loud and maybe you smirked too.

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New Indie Artist

Published July 7, 2010 by Editor in Chief

Hmm. I’ve been away for a while, gathering my strength. But rest assured, I’m back. Consider this post on par with a cast of my image in smoke a la Voldemort in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. That’s right, I’m back and more dangerously hilarious than ever.

When we last left, I was bravely enduring the misery that comes with chigger bites. The bite has healed, and I’m a stronger person for it. I celebrated the bite’s healing by exploring the current music scene. As my casual acquaintances know, I’m a bit of a hipster and very in tune with the underground music. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I’m going to tell you about a delightful new artist I have just discovered. This new artist has a soulful voice and tender lyrics that can melt the most callous hearts. When he sings, it’s like an angel is whispering in your ear, and you can finally rest assured there is a place for love in the world.

This artist knows the pain of heartbreak, recognizes the power of emotions and will change the music industry for the better. Without any further ado, I link you to a powerful ballad that will surely awaken emotions you’ve spent years trying to suppress. You’re welcome.

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Spring Updates

Published June 2, 2010 by Editor in Chief

I have a few important updates to share with you.

1. Before we were engaged, intellectually stimulating shows like Bridezilla and Say Yes to the Dress were on TV all the time. I know they were on all the time, because I would turn on the TV, watch them, and yearn for the day David would propose so that I too could be on these shows and berate whoever was standing next to me for eating donuts eight months before my wedding. Then in my dream world, after my demeaning tirade on eating donuts was complete, I would slowly eat my victim’s donut as she/he watched.

Now, it seems like I cannot find any bride shows! It’s the worst, I tell you! How am I to know how to have a dramatic breakdown?!

2. I have a chigger bite. You know how just two sentences ago I wrote not having any bride shows is the worst? Well, that was an overstatement. Not having any bride shows is actually just curious. This chigger bite is the worst. Here is a picture I found on the internet that looks a lot like mine:
Chigger bite
The area around the bite is fiercely itchy.

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