URLs don't change, but people do.
Zer iz an ingrown heir zat has been taunting me for a few days now. I finally gut it owt. Ze heir vaz so formidable, I considered keeping it as a zine of respect for its determination. But as I was looking at it, a gust of vind blew it away! Good bye, unlikely friend!
On related note, I have been verking on my accents. Vat you tink?
Leave a CommentSometimes I wonder what kind of military leader I would be. And then a little fly will swoop by, and I will murder it on the 20 percent chance that it might decide to bite me. And as I’m washing its blood off my hands, I’ll mutter, “This wouldn’t have happened if you had kept the battle outdoors, on your own soil.”
Leave a CommentFor my SNL sketch writing class, we were supposed to write a sketch at home, bring copies to class, ask a couple classmates to read the sketch aloud and get feedback. On the first day, my sketch had this line in it:
CUSTOMER 4
When I have a rough night, I request a gay, black paraplegic. Greta is a terrible driver. But she serves as a gentle reminder that I could have it worse. That keeps me grounded.
And there was a woman in the class who was an attorney for disability lawsuits. She was in a wheelchair. I was sitting right next to her. When it came time for my sketch to be reviewed, I just stared straight ahead and tried to avoid eye contact. The instructor muttered, “I don’t think that line is necessary,” after someone uncomfortably read it out loud. Then he shook his head at me.
Leave a CommentI feel like the word “discovered” is used incorrectly a lot, by me. So when I use it I have to justify it immediately.
“I discovered a new soy-glazed salmon recipe…in my cookbook. Yes, it was a harrowing journey through the pages and I lived to tell the tale.”
You know how all software developers became despondent after seeing The Social Network? They thought, “Why didn’t I build Facebook? I could have been a billionaire.” That’s how I felt after seeing The Hobbit 2. I thought, “Why wasn’t I born an elf? I could have been a skilled archer.”
Leave a CommentI’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, my goals for the day have become less and less ambitious, but equally challenging. It used to be, “I plan to finish my to-do list by the end of the day and get a head start on tomorrow’s tasks.” Now it’s more like: “I’m going to try to not overeat at dinner tonight.”
Leave a CommentOne of the most awkward things to tell people is that I am an aspiring comedian. It always follows with this conversation:
Person: Tell me a joke.
Me: Well, I’m aspiring, so I don’t have many jokes yet.
Person: Tell me one.
Me: (hesitate)
Person: (getting angry) Come on. Tell me one joke.
Me: It’s not very good. (Lower expectations)
Person: Come on!
Me: Okay, here it is (pause, take a deep breath, build anticipation)
Person: (Stares.)
Me: I was at an open mic last week. And I thought, “Wow, that looks very difficult. I bet I can make that look difficult too.”
Person: (Stares. Slowly begins to nod.)
Me: That’s the joke.
Person: I get it. That’s kind of funny.
Me: Thank you. That’s my best joke.
It has come to my attention that if you want to buy a pair of google glasses, you must submit a paragraph explaining why you want to buy google glasses. I thought this requirement was incredible and have decided to implement a letter writing process to help me earn the privilege of all future purchases.
Purchase Plan: This sweater from JCrew
Dear JCrew,
When I was younger (re: last year) I discovered the reformative power of elbow patches. I also like buttons on sweaters. However, up until recently, buttons on sweaters rarely served functional purposes. They were simply shoulder décor. Your innovative design demonstrates that buttons can indeed serve a function when placed on sweaters. This design is going to change the world, and I want – no, I demand – to be at the forefront of this fashion revolution.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Prescription Glasses
Dear Optical Retailer,
When I was younger, I was diagnosed with the devastating condition of NATROPS (Not Able to Read Overhead Projector Slides). My world was turned upside down as I was henceforth forced to live a life bound to the whims of a tempestuous polycarbonate companion susceptible to harsh weather conditions, such as fog, rain and sudden changes in temperature as I go from outside to inside (glasses). To make matters worse, I also had astigmatism. I’ve learned to fully accept my condition and the person it has made me, and all I ask is that you do the same. Kindly allow me to purchase these glasses from you. I cannot legally drive without them.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Dental check up
Dear Dentist,
Last year I visited you, and it was amicable. I assured you at the end of the visit that I would be back soon for a check-up and would dedicate my evenings to rigorous flossing and brushing exercises. I must confess that although I didn’t know it at the time, these promises were written in sand. This means that I did not keep them. They were blown away by the metaphorical wind, obviously. I’ll probably repeat this exercise with you this year. Engage me in our annual oral song and dance and pencil me in for an appointment.
Sincerely,
Me
Purchase Plan: Airplane flight
Dear Travelocity,
Travel is very complicated to begin with: perhaps humans are not meant to be in the air. But humans are bold and daring and presumptuous, so they have figured out flight. This is in no thanks to you, you annoying third-party booking system full of trickery. Moving forward I’m booking directly through the airlines.
Sincerely,
Me
Play by Play of Me Getting Dressed in the Morning:
This young woman hails from the Mid-Atlantic, a region known for its fickle weather and political confusion. She starts with a strong layering decision: a button down and a sweater. But wait, rather than pants, she is putting on…a skirt! Ladies and gentlemen! Skirts have been seen in the recent JCrew catalogue offering, but this one has been resting in her closet for over seven years and is an unprecedented addition to today’s conservative ensemble. She does not cease to amaze. Okay, and now, now for the tights selection…will she go with the standard, respectable black color? Yes. Yes. Predictable. Wait. She is changing her mind. She is going with…GRAY. Gray tights to accent the gray sweater! Inspired approach to colors today: gray tights are just different enough to be noticed and subtle enough to wear in polite company. She has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.
Play by Play of Me Starting Work in the Morning:
This young woman has already overcome incredible odds by just being here, ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes? Yes. Tell us more about that, the fans love a good overcoming-the-obstacles story. Ah yes, well, you see, she did not want to be here this morning, and now, now she is here. Oh. Is that it? She might have a cold. We can’t be sure if it’s a cold or general grogginess. I see. Incredible young woman here.
Okay let’s focus on the action at hand. She has a lunch bag with her, and she is turning on her desktop computer. And now, now she is putting her lunch bag into the fridge and taking out her coffee mug. That is a strategically inspired move; you can tell she’s a seasoned employee. She does not waste time during her computer boot-up process. She fills her mug with water, and puts in the microwave. Now she is sitting down at the desktop, which is just about ready for her to enter in a password. Does she get it right on the first try? Indeed. Indeed she does. Clearly general grogginess does not affect her keyboard dexterity, which I believe we’ll all continue to marvel at as the day continues.
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