99% Postmortem

This past weekend I went to a sketch-writing-thing. People wrote sketches, and you could ask people to perform the sketches and get feedback to workshop your content. The original version of my sketch got one chuckle and some raised eyebrows. This motivated me to try again! I edited the sketch on the metro ride home, and I present to you the updated version of my first sketch: 99% Postmortem.

99% Postmortem

Setting: 4 people are gathered in a classroom or apartment condo. They are having a group meeting.

Characters:

Howard: Leading the meeting. He is older and a sociology professor.

Jennie: Twenty-something female who is sincere and chipper.

Gary: Granola thirty-something who may or may not be high and is a bit dirty.

Andrew: Uptight thirty-something. Tries to be nice but becomes more irritated as the meeting goes on.

Scene opens with people chatting, sitting in a circle. Howard calls the meeting to order.

HOWARD
I call this meeting of the 99% to order.

JENNIE
Um, there are only four of us here.

GARY
That’s because we’re no longer relevant, man.

ANDREW
Did anyone send an email to the distribution list?

GARY
We don’t keep lists, man. That’s 1 percenter speak.

HOWARD
He’s right. I posted about this on reddit.

GARY
I upvoted it.

HOWARD
Thank you, Gary. Yes, the post received 1 upvote. Ehem. I call this meeting to order. This is a post-mortem meeting. We need to discuss what went well and what could have used some improvement. Who would like to start?

ANDREW
(raises hand)

HOWARD
Ah yes, go ahead.

ANDREW
We did a really good job of gathering.

HOWARD
Yes. Fact. We gathered exceptionally well.

JENNIE
Yes, I learned about permits.

GARY
Permits were created by the man to give the working class a perception of freedom of speech.

ANDREW
That’s not true.

GARY
I, for one, swelled with pride when they called me a squatter.

HOWARD
(shakes head)
Let’s move on.

ANDREW
We made some great posters. They really resonated.

JENNIE
Absolutely. I learned how to leverage hemp rope, cardboard, permanent marker and glitter to make my words pop.

GARY
Way to go, MacGyver.
Posters were fine but our real strength was in our presence. Pitching tents was a good way to demonstrate to the world that we would no longer be suppressed by the walls of Wall Street. We don’t need brick houses.

ANDREW
What? No! Everyone needs brick houses. Or should have an equal opportunity to buy one.

GARY
Hey man, only pigs need brick houses. Don’t go spreading your upper class values where they’re not appreciated. Pig.

ANDREW
You grew up in a brick house.

JENNIE
Don’t throw that in his face.

GARY
Not cool, man.

HOWARD
Let’s move on. What could we have done differently?

ANDREW
I think if we had kept the tents in better condition, the media would have stuck around.

GARY
The media was created by the 1 percent to spout their vitriol.

ANDREW
They were on our side!

GARY
Sides are structural boundaries that cage people in.

JENNIE
I think you’re thinking of prisons.

ANDREW
Did you think you were in a prison when you defecated in front of the Channel 7 camera crew?

GARY
We had said that day we were going to shit on Wall Street!

HOWARD
That was a metaphor, son! A metaphor!

GARY
Metaphors are elitist, Dad!

HOWARD
You destroyed our campaign! We lost all credibility.

GARY
You never hugged me growing up!

HOWARD
(lunges at Gary)
I gave you everything!

JENNIE
I guess nepotism isn’t just a 1% problem.

THE END