May 2011 – I Am Cool Now

Week 3.5

Published May 24, 2011 by Editor in Chief

The most humiliating thing about being married thus far has been operating David’s television equipment. Yesterday I pressed four different power buttons in a futile attempt to turn on the TV and access regular programming. I did not even aspire to the Tivo; I only wanted to watch the program that I believed would be on at my hour of clicking.

Here’s how it went:
First, I stared at the four remote controls. There are more remote controls, but I knew, in my heart, these were the correct four to be dealing with for the task at hand.
After a minute of staring, I pushed down on the Red Power button on one remote. I heard a click, indicating one of the boxes in the entertainment center had turned on, suggesting I was halfway to my desired destination. It was not clear to me which box was turned on, and the screen remained dark, but I remained optimistic. I put that control aside, because I presumed it had accomplished something important.
I carefully picked up another remote control. This one had the Tivo icon on it, so while I respected its value, I also understood that the power button on this remote may turn the Tivo off, rather than accomplish my mission, which was to turn the TV on. So, I set it down for the time being.
The next remote control was twice the size of its predecessor. The power button on this one seemed promising, so I clicked it. Then I waited with great anticipation. I leaned my ear towards the entertainment center. I expectantly moved my head towards all of the boxes, wondering whether there would be a change. Nothing happened.

I knew what I had to do. I picked up the fourth remote. I clicked Power. And…I heard something power off.

I looked around, and then decided to reach out to my man. “David…how do I turn the TV on?”
“What?!” he yelled from the office.
“I do not know how to turn on the TV!” I yelled back.
“Press the Power button!” he replied.
I glared in his direction. And remained silent. He knew what that meant. David came out of the office, picked up the remote that had done nothing at all for me, and pressed the Power button. The TV turned on. He looked at me as if to say, “Obvi.”
I looked at him sheepishly, as if to say, “This is on par with rocket science.”

Then the show I wanted to watch was a repeat, so I clicked all the Power buttons to turn the TV off.

Week 3

Published May 20, 2011 by Editor in Chief

Week three of being married has been wonderful. I’ve spent 5% of my time gushing over our wedding to David, 50% of my time reviewing pictures of the honeymoon, 20% of my time eating – guiltily, but I’ll stop soon – and the remaining 25% reading about the institution of marriage. For some reason, Kate Middleton and Prince William’s nuptials have sparked a bevy of editorials on marriage advice, marriage fun facts – 80% of couples gain weight within a year of getting married – and finally, colorful commentary on how marriage takes the romance out of relationships. Apparently, with great romantic security comes great romantic stagnation. As one writer suggested in the Bazaar article I read in the hotel, marriages fall apart because that charming, striking fear of the other leaving, that non-married couples truly thrive on, is no longer present.

While a natural worrier, I’m not particularly concerned about the lack of fear being our demise. Rather, other potential conflicts concern me. And David’s responses indicate there is legitimate cause for concern, as here is a transcript of a recent conversation we had on our honeymoon:

Me: David, if Anne Hathaway made advances towards you, and she was married, but you were single, would you accept the advances, even though you knew she was married?

David: Anne Hathaway? And she made advances towards me? Absolutely.

Me: Okay, now what if you were married, but not to me. Would you accept?

David: Yes.

Me: Yes, I do not blame you. Now, what if you were married to me? Would you accept the advances?

David: (pause) No.

Me: I would understand, it’s Anne Hathaway!

David: Whew, yes.

Me: David!

David: You said you wouldn’t blame me!

Me: But the kids, David, they would be so disappointed. They wouldn’t understand. How could you do that to the kids?

David: You didn’t tell me we had kids.

Me: They would be so disappointed, David, I’m sure of it.

So, knowing full well that our marriage is open to temptation, it’s imperative that I maintain the qualities that won David’s affections and inspired him to commit to years of being with me all the time.

Now, David has never explicitly named the qualities, so I will humbly take it upon myself to list them here:

1. My spectacular sense of style – As a master of layers, my sense of style has not escaped David. I know this, because sometimes he will ask, “So…how many hoodies are you wearing right now?” I will often respond, “Three! Well, technically, only two hoodies, and one jacket over that. It’s very hip.” Or he will say, “Didn’t you wear that yesterday?”
“And the day before that as well,” I will explain, “It’s a very stylish outfit. It would be a disservice to society to only wear it once.”

2. My inquisitive nature – Writers take a lot of time crafting their art, and every detail matters. Therefore, when watching television, I insist that David pause our programming so that we can revel in the details of what has just happened. “PAUSE!” I will yell, just as the capitalized quotation suggests, and David knows he must get up from his reclined position, pause the program – because I do not know how to operate the remotes – and he will stare at me as I ask numerous questions that challenge the way we perceive things…or assess whether a character has been gaining weight throughout the season.

3. My resourceful use of communication tools: In today’s day and age, there are many ways to reach our loved ones. We can use email, cell phones, text messages, Facebook messages, Skype, Twitter, blog comments, and home phones. When I want to remind David to do something, I take it upon myself to use many, if not all, of these communication tools. It’s the best way to ensure that he gets the message and remind him that I am and will be a constant presence in his life. While many lament that this newfangled technology has socially destroyed social interaction, I offer that it has brought us even closer together.

It’s very clear to me that these three qualities, combined in one person, make for an unstoppable, lovable force. I will maintain the qualities to ensure our marriage is a huge success!

Week One

Published May 17, 2011 by Editor in Chief

Week one of being married has been wonderful. I’ve spent 30% of my time gushing over our wedding to David, in my head, and to anyone who will listen, 20% of my time taking pictures of the honeymoon, 30% of my time eating – really letting myself go – and the remaining 20% concerned because I am out of deodorant, and for some reason, deodorant in Spain is very expensive.

Upon realizing that my deodorant barrel was at the bottom, I headed over to a pharmacy. Pharmacies here are available on every block and are easily identified by their flashing neon signs. I entered the store, approached the woman behind the counter and proceeded to simulate rubbing my underarms with deodorant. I sniffed my underarm as well, to make it clear what I sought. She nodded, thought, and went over to her cabinet, behind the counter to find deodorant to present. She returned, showing me a small stick, and wrote 9 euros on a pad of paper for me. With the conversion, that is roughly $14, so I politely shook my head in dismay, thanked her, paid for my other selections, and headed out the door. For $14, David would have to learn to love my natural musk, I decided.

Month: May 2011

Week 3.5

Week 3

Week One

Ze Wedding!