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Month: August 2009

Sun is Shinin'

Published August 31, 2009 by Editor in Chief

Yesterday I saw the world through a whole new lens.

Literally.

I bought sunglasses! At the beginning of the day, I was prepared to pay top dollar (maybe a little less, preferably sale price) for some nice, slick sunglasses. “I’m going to go to the Sunglass Hut!” I thought to myself. “Maybe, maybe I’ll get Chanel sunglasses. Does Chanel make sunglasses? If not, I’ll get Dior. Maybe Burberry? Who knows. Who knows what designer brand will shield my eyes from the brutal sun?”

Before embarking on my quest for the perfect sunglasses, I did research on face types and their matching glasses. If you have a pointy chin, you want glasses that do not call attention to your chin. Your glasses must NOT be wider than your cheekbones. If you have long hair, you must try the sunglasses on with your hair down AND your hair up. I took vigorous notes as I scoured the internet for such guidance. I was committed to purchasing impeccable sunglasses. Like Moses freed the Jews from Egypt, I was to free my eyes from the sun’s glare. It was my destiny.

So there I was, ready to go to Sunglass Hut, ready to change the way I looked at things. Then, I realized something. I cannot afford designer sunglasses.

I struggled internally.

Bad me: Designer sunglasses are the only ones that have true UVA/UVB protection.

Good me: That’s not true.

Bad me: Designer sunglasses will make men want you, and women want to be you.

Good me: That is true.

Bad me: And designer sunglasses will bring you the happiness you’ve yet to find anywhere else.

Good me: Wait what?

Bad me: Up until now, our life has been an empty, demoralizing struggle for attention, recognition,
quite frankly, even the slightest acknowledgment of existence, and designer sunglasses are the key to changing all of that.

Good me: I think you’re taking this too far.

Bad me: Of course you do. That’s why you will be lost forever in obscurity.

Good me: You shouldn’t waste money on designer sunglasses. You’ve done the research, you can figure out what good glasses will look like. You cannot afford the glasses!

Bad me: Steal them!

Good me: No! I will not!

Bad me: So be it. BORED. You bore me. * yawn *

Well, Good me prevailed, and I got some excellent sunglasses from CVS! For $17.99 I feel good about my new sunglasses. They’re hip, they flatter all the right features, and I remain the law-abiding citizen my parents raised me to be.

Score one for the good guys.

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I've Come So Far

Published August 27, 2009 by Editor in Chief

Today I found myself conversing with a 13 year old. “How old are you?” she asked.
“I’m…old.” I sighed.
“How old,” she thoughtfully demanded.
After I revealed my age, she responded, “You don’t look like you’re over 18.”
I was rather pleased.

Then she asked her next question: “Can you drive?”

“Well yeah.” Her eyes lit up with such delight I felt compelled to let her know that I can drive and I have a car.

“My car’s over there,” I said nonchalantly, pointing to my car in the parking lot. I knew actually seeing the vehicle would impress her even more. The car would do all the talking.

“The Benz?!” she responded, wide-eyed, clearly astonished with the black convertible Mercedes Benz, glistening under the bright sun. It was sunny out, so the top was down, showing off its sleek, leather interior.

“No no, the Toyota right next to it. A beacon of stability.” I boasted. “Plus, I can go up to like 60 mph in that thing, which is 5 over standard speed limits. If you could drive, you would know that’s really fast…. It’s illegal to even go that fast. So I wouldn’t. But the point is, I could.”

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Lightning Bolt

Published August 26, 2009 by Editor in Chief

The casting call did not go as planned.  No one assumed I was an actress.  Total disappointment. Well, it wasn’t a total disappointment of course. It was fun to watch a few of the auditions.  Some people have real talent! Some not so much.

In other news, I met someone who had not heard of The Onion.  It was a pretty interesting experience. I should tell you what happened in detail.

First, he sent an email with a link to a youtube clip of Usain Bolt’s impressive run.  Subj: Motivating.  He is a fast runner, so I can understand why he found the video motivating.

Personally, running baffles me.  My favorite passage on running is from Ian McEwan’s short story “Homemade.”  The speaker shares his thoughts on watching people run in a track meet:

I found especially interesting those who came after the first fifty or so, running harder than any of the other contestants and competing demoniacally among themselves for the hundred and thirteenth place in the field.  I watched them stumble up the tunnel of flags, clawing at their throats, retching, flailing their arms and falling to the grass, convinced that I had before me here a vision of human futility.  (19)

Anyway, after Usain Bolt’s amazing run, which I can appreciate for its ability to challenge human boundaries, The Onion wrote an article about a lazy Nike ad executive who would pitch a bunch of ideas for an ad campaign themed around Bolt’s speed.  I thought the article was funny and relevant, so I responded to the original email with a link to the piece.

The next day we had an awkward conversation about it.

Him: You sent me an article about how Nike is going to do an advertising campaign around how fast Usain Bolt is.

Me: Yes.

Him: I didn’t understand why you sent that.

Me: Um, I uh, thought it was really funny.  Because, it’s a very obvious thing for them to do, you know, build an ad campaign about how fast he is.

Him: The article said they would show him being really fast.  He is really fast, isn’t he?

Me: Yes, it was about how a lazy ad executive did not prepare and was just talking about ways to demonstrate how fast he is, through metaphors and parallel imagery, like him racing against other fast things, like a cheetah, or train, or high-speed internet.

Him: (nod)

Me: The Onion is a satire paper.

Him: Oh I didn’t know that.

Me: Right, um, so it didn’t really happen.  It was just being funny.  (pause) I…I thought it was funny.

Him: Okay.

So basically here’s what he thought was happening:

Him: Look at how fast Usain Bolt was able to run. It’s truly inspiring how hard work can help you accomplish great things.

Me: Nike is planning to do a campaign around Bolt’s recent run.  They have lots of ideas.  Their theme will be how fast he is.

Him: Way to go Captain Obvious.

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Welcome Comic!

Published August 25, 2009 by Editor in Chief

Two posts in one night! To what do you owe this pleasure, blog?

Welllll, this post is about a merger taking place.  As you know, the comic and the blog have been competing for quite some time now.  My readers, i.e., yours truly, would have to navigate between two completely different web pages to see the comic and read the posts.  Plus, the minimalist look I had aimed for during the comic’s inception may have been a little too minimalist.  Now, to see the comics, click on the Comics category on the right hand side.  The original publication date is listed under each comic.  Unfortunately, as it stands, you must expand each Comic post to see the comic. This extra click is a small price to pay for scenes that will keep you laughing for hours on end, of course.

So, blog, please extend a warm welcome to the Awkward Comic (rights reserved).  We’re happy to have you on board.

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

Wild applause!

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Star Quality

Published August 25, 2009 by Editor in Chief

Tomorrow, I’m going to observe a casting call.

And you know what else I’m going to do? I’m going to dress up in actress clothing and stand around near the other actresses so that the production people mistake me for an actress.awkward model

The production assistant will say, “Miss, are you ready for the taping?”

I will point to myself, look left, look right, feign shock, and then laugh. “Oh! You’re talking to me!” I’ll yell, of course, so other people hear the confusion too. The production guy will stare impatiently, and I’ll say, “No no! I’m just observing! I’m not an actress.” Then I’ll walk away, shaking my head as though it was a preposterous idea: “An actress!” He’ll mutter, “Why the f did she stand in the actress line then?”


Then, then I will regale my friends with the story, leaving out minor details of course. No need to bore them. “So, I was just standing around, nowhere near any actresses, obviously, and you know what happened?” I will pause dramatically, then continue, “The production people mistook ME for an actress! Can you believe it?!” to which they should* respond, “Well, we can’t blame him. You’re very glamorous.”

*If they’re worth their salt.

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Pretty Nice Little Friday

Published August 21, 2009 by Editor in Chief

Hey Blog, sorry I won’t be able to update today.

David just moved into his new place. We got a big day today.  Well, actually pretty nice little Friday. We’re going to to go Home Depot! Yeah, buy some wallpaper,  maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath and Beyond. I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.

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