Month: January 2008

My New Year’s resolution to lose five pounds has already been re-issued to my Resolution Committee for review. They will take into account my affinity for buffets, Brazilian steakhouses, and greasy foods. Additionally, they will take into account the adversity I face on a daily basis in my struggle against weight gain. I will submit to them the following experience.
Yesterday I was having dinner at Chutzpah, a New York style deli. After dinner, our waiter asked what we would like for dessert. I said, “One piece of your marzipan, please.”

“Well the pieces come really small, they’re sold by the pound,” he informed me.

“Okay that’s perfect. I only want a small piece.” I replied eagerly.

He replied, “One piece is not enough, you’ll want two.”

I replied, smiling angrily, like a crazy person, “No I think one will be good.”

“One is very small,” he held his index finger and thumb close together to explain what small meant. “You’ll want two.”

I could not believe this was happening. I wasn’t up for negotiating!

“Haha, no that size looks perfect, I’ll just have one.” I repeated, laughing, but clearly not amused.

“I’ll put you down for two.” What chutzpah he had!

“No, you’re not my mom. You can’t tell me what I want,” I thought defiantly.

But, “No, I really just want one,” is what I pleaded.

“Ohhhkay,” he said, like my mother does when she thinks I’m making a mistake. I felt so bizarre. The waiter was like a 20 year old male who could have easily been on a football team. He looked nothing like my mother, but he was still trying to overfeed me against my wishes.

And then, to make matters worse, the cake was totally delicious and I _did_ want another piece. However I have some self respect, so when he smugly told me,

“You want another one, don’t you?”

I smugly smiled and responded, through a full mouth, “No, thith waths perfect.” I kept my dignity, blog.

Melville. A little heterodox in the matter of clean linen. Said Hawthorne.

-David Markron

I laughed and laughed when I read that. “Nothing like a good ‘ol Hawthorne joke to get me through the day,” is what I always say. Hahahahaha! Good one!

Once, I bought a school t-shirt in the Princeton gift shop, thinking I would apply there. The shirt fit me perfectly, so I knew the school would be a perfect fit for me too. In fact, I was right about to craft a beautiful application essay titled, “If the Shirt Fits,” about why I belong at Princeton. However, before going to the effort of actually writing the thing, I decided to check out the site, maybe pick a graduate school subject for which to apply*. That’s when I found the hilarious quotation above!

*Princeton Dean of Admissions, did you like my sentence? I _almost_ ended it with: “pick a subject to apply for,” but then I remembered it is poor grammar to end a sentence with a preposition, so I restructured the end of the sentence. Impeccable grammar is just one of the myriad fortes I offer your school. I am also a stellar typist, see yesterday’s entry.

Additionally, I have fantastic school spirit. For example, I own a Princeton t-shirt. If accepted into your fine learning establishment, I would wear the t-shirt.

I am also the President and CEO of imawkward.com, a progressive, nonprofit company.